Happy New Year!

Don't forget to visit the Breaking Barriers blog every Monday to get the latest updates. The 2009 edition will resume on Monday January 12, 2009. January will begin with a powerful 4-part series focused on managing/leading in tough times. Don't miss a thing!

“Change Your Routine”

If you’ve ever tried to break a habit at work or in your personal life, then you know how difficult it can be to get out of a pattern and start a new routine. Despite this difficulty, there are some routines that are worth changing. In prior posts I have written about ways in which we sometimes project outward attitudes that are then contradicted by our own choices and behaviors. In this vein, defensive routines are important habits to examine.

A defensive routine is like a mixed-message, which over time blinds people to its contradictory nature and is seen simply as the truth. This welcomed conundrum is a sort of double-bind, which is maintained as a means of preventing embarrassment, avoiding a perceived threat or awkward situation, maintaining the status quo and avoiding unwanted change. As these messages are institutionalized over time, they can take on the force of a cultural taboo, making an honest dialogue about them off limits.

It is important to note that these defensive routines represent dynamic and complicated behaviors and require a certain level of what Chris Argyris calls "skilled incompetence”. Essentially, even though one individual may know that another person is also aware of an issue that is a problem of mutual concern, they both choose to act as though neither of the parties knows anything. They both may do this in a skilled manner in order to perpetuate a believable cover-up. The very attitudes and behaviors that support these cover-ups are an example of a defensive routine and over time they serve to prevent the learning that is necessary to bring about both individual and organizational changes for improvement. If you think you are experiencing a defensive routine, answer these four questions to see what is happening at a deeper level.

* Are you or others sending a message that is inconsistent?
* Are you or others acting as if the message is not inconsistent?
* Are you or others in any way making this inconsistency undiscussable?
* And, are you or others making the pretense that there is no inconsistency, or that it is discussable?

If you answered yes to one or more of the above questions, perhaps you are in the midst of a defensive routine. If you discover the presence of a defensive routine, it is critical to fully understand what it is and then devise a way to address it. No individual, team or organization is immune to developing defensive routines and it is important not to let responses to them include simple quick fixes or band-aid solutions. As a way to avoid developing or sustaining such routines, individuals can begin to practice more open communication by making it acceptable to freely and respectfully question interpersonal dynamics or business practices.

Once an environment of openness is established, there is an activity that can promote discussion about the nature of the defensive routine. Often called the “left-hand/right-hand column”, individuals focus on the identified problem, and then use a blank page to reveal things that they say and things that they think about the issue. After writing a brief description of the defensive routine as they see it, they begin in the right-hand column where they write down exactly what they have said about the situation. Then, in the left-hand column, they write down things that they think but do not say or act upon. The following questions can be discussed in order to contrast the difference between the two columns:

1. What factors have led me to think and feel this way?
2. What was my intention and what was I really hoping to accomplish?
3. How might my comments have contributed to the difficulties?
4. Why didn't I say or act upon what was in my left-hand column?
5. What assumptions might I be making about the other person or people involved?
6. What are the costs of operating this way? What are the payoffs?
7. How can I use my left-hand column to improve my communication and behavior on this issue?

Although it can take time and energy, identifying and addressing these defensive routines can accelerate the learning process and help us achieve our goals more consistently. Imagine what’s possible when we drop our defensive routines and take risks to learn the very things that can help us discover new kinds of success.

A Simple Tool To Help You GROW

Are you a supervisor, manager or leader who is responsible for people in your organization? Are you a parent, volunteer or support person who wants to help others succeed without "acting like a boss"? If you fall into either of these groups, there is a simple but very effective tool that you can use to get the most out of people by improving decision-making and problem-solving skills in a quick, but meaningful way. It is called the GROW model and it is a well-proven technique that was originally developed by Mark Landsberg.

The GROW model is an acronym for the words Goal, Reality, Options and Wrap-up. When used as a series of questions, the GROW model can help give structure to a conversation that enables a person create the deep and clear awareness needed to understand their challenge. It can also inspire the responsibility for personal choice as well as the focused next steps needed to improve the situation.

Here's an example of using the GROW model: Tim is a young professional who is very successful in his job as a financial analyst. The skills that help him to offer great service to his clients, namely decisiveness, attention to detail and commitment to analytical research, proved not to be so helpful in his role as a volunteer recreational soccer coach. After getting some disappointing feedback from a few of the parents, Tim wanted to sort through his approach to coaching the team and make sure that being a great role model was always his number one priority. We used the GROW model to frame the conversation and it went something like this:

- Jesse: Tim, what's on your mind?

- Tim: I'm frustrated because I'm trying hard to be a good coach for these kids. I never wanted to be seen as someone who pushes too hard and loses sight of fun and good teamwork.

- Jesse: (Goal) Okay, let's talk about your approach to coaching the team. What are your specific goals for our conversation today? What would you like to be different as a result of what we discuss?

- Tim: Well, I would like to find a way to remind myself about what's important to me. I don't want to let the competitive juices distract me. And, I'd like to interact more with parents to gain their trust.

- Jesse: (Reality) Alright, let's take a look at the reality of the situation. Focusing on the last game, what happened? What effects did this behavior have on the kids, parents and other spectators?

- Tim: It was a tied game and I yelled at a player because she fell down but didn't get up quickly. I just wanted to encourage her, but it came out as real negative. One of the parents started yelling to her 'that's okay; if you're hurt take your time'. It was like we were competing with our comments.

- Jesse: (Options) What alternative choices do you have in this situation? What do you think will be your challenges with doing things differently?

- Tim: I need to remember that safety, fun and good teamwork come first and that the tone and words I chose should always reflect that. The challenge will be to not let the adrenaline take over.

- Jesse: (Wrap-up) Okay, what are the next steps you would like to commit to? What support do you need to help you stay focused on them?

- Tim: I'll ask my assistant coach to help me stay positive by letting me know that we need to take a time out when things get too tense. I'm also going to start a new tradition, after each game I'm going to give out a "game ball" to the player that showed the most sportsmanship. I'm going to invite the parents to get in the circle with us so they are a part of this positive experience.

Following this discussion, Tim reported that his new approach to coaching has also helped him maintain better balance during the work week too. Using the GROW model proved to be a simple, but very useful tool to help him understand the challenge and find ways to improve the situation. Imagine what's possible when we take steps to GROW!

“Get Comfortable With Contradictions”

Be honest, when you woke up this morning the first question you asked yourself was what can I learn from Chinese dialectical epistemology? After your coffee, you rushed to your computer to scour the web for any answers you could get your hands on…

Chances are you probably didn’t wake up with that question rattling around in your head; but thankfully others have and there are some very interesting and potentially helpful insights to consider. The translation of these 50 cent words is simply this: the world is becoming more and more complex and as a result our daily lives are filled with inherent contradictions and conflicts that require a new kind of thinking to successfully manage them. Dialectical thinking means that we make room for alternative points of view or truths when considering a given experience in our daily lives.

Here’s a classic example: An individual may have a moral opposition to killing; however, they may also silently applaud a peaceful person’s effort to switch off the life-support of a spouse who is suffering beyond relief from terminal illness. In this example, how can both be true? Is the person a walking contradiction of their own values?

In the workplace, a supervisor is committed to the fair treatment of all employees regarding standard policies and procedures. Despite the fact that no employee is permitted to take time off without a written request at least two weeks in advance, the supervisor approves time off for an employee that urgently requests time due to an unforeseen and urgent family matter. Does this choice make the boss an unfair person? As a result has she compromised her integrity as a leader?

These two examples lead us back to the burning question you may or may not have woken up with this morning. There are three principles of Chinese dialectical epistemology that can help us make sense of these conundrums. First, reality is a dynamic process of continuous change. Second, reality is always full of ambiguity and contradiction. And third, everything is connected to everything else. These three Eastern principles contradict more Western ways of thinking that suggest everything is what it is (A = A) and because of the law of noncontradiction, no statement can be both true and false. Because dialectical thinking is not a convenient set of rules or principles as such, however, it can be harder to understand.

Embracing dialectical thinking is not to suggest that our closest values and principles should be rationalized away in a given situation. Instead, if we are able to use formal logic and Western thinking for basic problem solving (i.e. finding misplaced car keys), dialectical thinking will be more helpful with big-picture questions that touch as at a deeper level. Although they may be confusing, living with these contradictions can expose our deeper motivations, values and choices and may help us to identify what is really going on in a given situation.

Recognizing the continuous flow of change and the interconnectedness of situations also helps us to focus on the big picture and long-term impact of our decisions. Dialectical thinking can be helpful in a variety of everyday experiences. When faced with a really confusing situation, sometimes it feels better just to state the contradiction out loud. By exploring multiple perspectives, we often get out from under the pressure to find the one “right answer” and can find the most reasonable reconciliation of diverse options. Imagine what’s possible when we get comfortable with contradictions and seek the best answers to problems.

“How to Bring Out the Best in Others When All You See is Their Worst”

There’s nothing better than hanging up the phone or walking out of a meeting when the person you worked with not only did their job, but they made it easier for you to do yours too. Unfortunately, the reason it feels so refreshing is because it doesn’t happen very often. Too frequently our interactions with associates, customer service reps and clients result in disappointment and ineffective outcomes.

Working with difficult people is a defining experience for all of us. It’s a universal occurrence for everyone because we interpret behavior differently and at some point, each of us becomes the difficult person to someone else. For those who are good communicators and consistently courteous, it may be a bad day here and there. For others who have significant challenges with interpersonal effectiveness, they may not ever ‘play nice’.

Arrogant, smug, condescending, patronizing, inept, sarcastic, blasé, uninformed – these words are often used to describe the behavior and/or personality of a difficult person. Despite the fact that it can feel intentional, many difficult people are simply producing behaviors from the negative side of their personality. In other words, we’re working with them when they are not operating from their strengths. Understanding what makes people feel difficult to us often makes it less frustrating to deal with them. When we encounter a difficult person, one of the best things we can do is to observe how we are triggered by them and take personal responsibility for shifting the interaction to a more positive place.

How can we turn the tide when we get off on the wrong foot with a person? How can we make progress when it seems a person’s only objective is to prevent it? And, how can we inspire others to think and act in more helpful ways? Consider the following strategies to help bring out the best in others when all you see is their worst:

When There Is Confusion
When a situation turns negative, often there is some degree of confusion or miscommunication involved. Before things get worse, ask the person to clarify their understanding of the situation. Listen respectfully to de-escalate emotions and then offer your perspective. Use it as an opportunity to be crystal clear about the situation.

When It Is A Question Of Motivation
It’s not our responsibility to help other people enjoy their lives or like their jobs. However, human nature is a blend of complex emotions and at times we have to know how to motivate others to help us. If they do not offer to provide the support you need, find a way to connect with this person to motivate them to work with you.

When It Is A Question Of Skill
When the skill level required to complete a task is too far out in front of a person’s ability, they can often be stretched to the point of negative stress and defensive action. To avoid exacerbating the situation, attempt to balance the skill gap with your own abilities, or attempt to work with someone who possesses the necessary knowledge and skills.

If They Become Defensive
If you anticipate that the person will react defensively, avoid interrogating questions and try to describe the problem/request in more objective terms. Use non-blaming language, remain calm, keep a sense of humor if you can, and try to make it a mutual problem to solve. Always be tough on the problem and easy on the people.

If You Feel Like Giving Up On Them
Don’t give up on a person too soon! There are some people that are difficult to work with no matter what approach you take, however, most people are not like that. Facing an initial obstacle or road block does not warrant the conclusion that ‘I just can’t work with this person’.

The next time you interact with a difficult person, hang in there and take the high road whenever you can. Imagine what’s possible if we all brought out the best in others when all we saw was their worst.

“Let’s Stop and Think About It for a Minute!”

This time of year many of us are thinking about changes we want to make in our lives. As with any goal or desire for change, it is important to understand that the way that we think about a topic largely influences our approach to taking action. Before you begin thinking about your New Year’s Resolutions in earnest, let’s stop and think about it for a minute.

Whatever we call them – errors in reasoning, thinking fallacies, cognitive biases, smoke screens, , etc. – there are a number of thinking mistakes that serve as common traps for us when considering, planning, and deciding things in the course of our lives. A great resource to learn more about the most common thinking fallacies is Don Lindsay’s website: http://www.don-lindsay-archive.org/. Here are a few of the most interesting thinking errors that I observe when working with people who are trying to resolve an issue or make a change.

Anchoring Bias occurs when a person sets a standard, regardless of its reasonableness. Once they set that standard, they are anchored to it and are unable to move past the constraints it brings. For example, if a person declares that they “have to lose 50 pounds this year”; they may get stuck on that unrealistic number. Losing weight may be healthy for them, but the actual number of pounds they lose may be less of a priority.

A False Dilemma occurs when only two opposing choices are presented as an “either or” solution. Although there may be other choices, the false dilemma directs us to buy into only one of the opposing options while excluding a middle ground. Saying “I need to move up in this company, or move out” is an example of a false dilemma because it does not acknowledge the possibility of incremental or alternative outcomes.

A Double Bind occurs when a person holds two contradictory pieces of information. “Let’s plan more spontaneous get togethers” is an example of a double bind because it leaves the person in an impossible, contradictory situation. No matter how hard they might try, they can never plan spontaneity.

A False Cause Fallacy assumes that just because event B follows event A, event B was therefore caused by event A. For example, “Last year a colleague got his Master’s degree and then got promoted. This year I will earn my Master’s degree so that I too will get promoted”. This is a false cause fallacy because it does not consider the fact that the colleague may have performed better and/or done additional things (beyond getting a graduate degree) to earn the promotion.

Filtering or Confirmation Bias is where a person consciously or unconsciously overlooks or avoids information that contradicts what they already believe or confirms something that they want to believe. Filtering makes it hard for us to take in valuable feedback, which is often needed to adjust our approach to achieving goals.

The Overconfidence Effect occurs when a person over estimates their ability to achieve a given level of performance in an activity. Despite the perception that many people lack confidence, it is human nature to believe in one’s behavior and abilities beyond what is realistic. This can result in risk taking behaviors such as setting very high goals and persisting in a failing course of action where the expected outcome is poor.

These and other common thinking errors such as blaming, catastrophic thinking, justifying and assuming often occur so frequently that it can be difficult to detect them. If you notice that your own thought patterns are affected by one or more of the above errors, try to observe your own thinking process to more fully understand the way you arrive at your conclusions. This observation may help to expose patterns of thought that are no longer useful to you.

Imagine what’s possible when our thinking untangles complex situations and leads us to clearer decision making and attainable goals.

PART FOUR OF FOUR: “Domestic Diplomats”

Thank you for returning to the “Breaking Barriers” blog for Part 4 of this 4-part series. The series, Domestic Diplomats, is designed to support women in their roles as working parents, committed homemakers and involved citizens. If you missed any of the previous posts, you can find them on the blog by scrolling down toward the bottom of the home page.

Part 1 began with identifying the underlying patterns that get us off track; Part 2 identified some of the specific barriers that hold us back, while Part 3 discussed three important strategies to address barriers. Part 4 will describe more practical tools to help you succeed.

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If you have spent any time implementing some of the breaking barriers strategies that have been discussed in the first three parts of this series, you may have come face to face with the challenge of meeting the day-to-day demands of your life while finding additional energy to put into your own personal and professional development. The push and pull of thinking big and acting small can strain our ability to be poised, communicate assertively and manage emotional conflict effectively. These are the three hallmarks of a successful Domestic Diplomat and the following reminders can help you improve in these areas:

Stay Poised and Keep Your Composure -
Challenges to our composure are everywhere, however, maintaining composure is one of the most underrated traits of successful “Domestic Diplomats.” When we lose our composure, our attitudes and behaviors recede into a realm of reactionary, often personality driven behaviors. Rather than assertively working toward a solution, our flustered and disjointed actions can inflame the situation and ultimately take more energy than just dealing with the problem directly. The following tips will help you step up and stay cool when it’s crunch time:

- Give yourself a minute to vent and collect yourself;
- Assess the situation objectively and don’t let your own or someone else’s personal reaction cloud things;
- Gather all relevant information to understand the issue;
- Look at the deeper root cause of the problem and don’t get distracted by emotional interpretations of it; and
- Lead by example and take simple, focused action on what can be influenced.

You can tell you are composed when you breathe easily, remain centered and acknowledge the pressure and challenge of the moment without adding to it with your own angst. Keeping your composure is not only a key for your own individual success, but by example it can also inspire confidence in others.

Communicate Assertively -
Our personal and professional success can be measured in large part by the quality of our relationships. Our relationships flourish and decline one conversation at a time and the artfulness and courage to have these conversations in positive, constructive ways gives us an immediate opportunity to reach greater levels of success in all aspects of our lives. Communicating assertively in our everyday conversations can help us avoid the pent up frustration of things left unsaid or misunderstood. The following conversation guide can help you communicate effectively in a variety of circumstances:

- Describe the situation, including specific behaviors, in objective terms
- Put words to your feelings and express the impact of the situation
- Make a clear request and state what you want
- Ask for a response

Prior to the conversation, determine what an ideal time and place is and who needs to be a part of the conversation. And if you can, practice the conversation out loud by walking through each of the four steps.

Successfully Manage Emotional Conflict –
When it comes to emotional conflict, the core friction emerges when people differ in their expectations of each other. Or, put another way, emotional conflict occurs whenever our expectations are left unmet. “Domestic Diplomats” are often surrounded by emotional conflict in the workplace, at home and in social settings because we often don’t live up to the expectations we have for each other (incidentally, we usually don’t express what our expectations are, but that is the subject of another blog post).

When our expectations aren’t met by the world, disappointment is often the first emotion we experience. Among other things, the challenge with emotional conflict is that it can spawn other disruptive emotional reactions like fear, anxiety and guilt. As positive feelings that help connect us to others are replaced by pessimism, resentment and anger, the cumulative effects of emotional conflict can erode happiness, productivity and satisfaction in relationships. Here are a few ideas that may work for you if you find yourself bogged down in an emotional conflict:

- Tune in and understand the emotion you are feeling
- Take ownership for your own unmet expectations and tell the person how you feel without blaming them (anger/resentment are secondary emotions, so acknowledge these feelings and let them go)
- Clearly state your expectation and make a positive request that it be met

As both people exchange ideas about solutions to move forward, the chances for success grow.

In summary, keeping your composure, communicating assertively and proactively managing emotional conflict are three important traits of successful “Domestic Diplomats.” If you can do these three things well, you will be able to maintain a focus on breaking barriers without getting sidetracked by unnecessary interpersonal issues. In addition, you will create an environment for yourself that is much more for receptive to personal growth. Good luck in your journey to become a successful Domestic Diplomat – the world needs you!

Thank you for joining me and the more than 450 readers who followed this four-part series. As always, don’t forget to visit the Breaking Barriers blog each Monday for new posts, polls and other great ready-to-use insights.

PART THREE OF FOUR: “Domestic Diplomats”

Thank you for returning to the “Breaking Barriers” blog for Part 3 of this 4-part series. The series, Domestic Diplomats, is designed to support women in their roles as working parents, committed homemakers and involved citizens. If you missed any of the previous posts, you can find them on the blog by scrolling down toward the bottom of the home page.

Part 1 began with identifying the underlying patterns and barriers that get us off track and keep us out of balance. This introduction laid the foundation for being a successful Domestic Diplomat. Part 2 picked up their and identified some of the specific barriers that hold us back. Now, in Part 3 we get serious about change.

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Okay, now that we have identified some of the specific barriers that challenge us in our day-to-day lives, what next? First and foremost, it’s time to shift your thinking!

There are three important steps that you can take to change the way you think about your barriers. If you make these three shifts, you have the opportunity to continuously learn and make progress on your goals. Whether you are focusing on being a more effective professional, a dedicated mother and wife, or to spend more time focusing on you, making the following three shifts can help you get there.

Shift #1: Before We Can Change, We Have To Become Aware
The pace of modern life can keep us in constant “catch up” mode. Without time to reflect and integrate new learning, we are bound to the same recurring patterns of experience. As we discussed in Part 1, just as our patterns of experience bring us face to face with our barriers, they can also divert us from seeing them for what they are and taking practical steps to address them.

Therefore, the first shift you can make is a commitment to become aware of your attitudes, behaviors and decision-making processes that guide you. Becoming aware is not the same as forming an opinion about what you see. Too many times when we are taking steps in our personal and professional development we “rush to judge” ourselves. This judgment can come with strong emotions, which often blind us from seeing what is really going on. Only by seeing clearly can we identify what exactly is or isn’t working for us in a given situation. Because awareness is the key to making change, we have to have an observer’s eye and steadily examine and learn from what we notice.

Shift #2: Barriers Mark Our Pathway To Change
In Part 2 we discussed several of the common examples of barriers that women experience as they juggle their roles and responsibilities. As you read through the list, did some of those barriers hit home with you? What was your first reaction; to want to get rid of them? Many of us look at our barriers as negative traits or extra baggage to get rid of, to avoid or to use as justification for negative self-talk about ourselves. However, if we simply try to run from or avoid our barriers we miss a critical opportunity.

Instead of avoiding barriers, if we make the second important shift and look at our barriers as signposts that can map the way to positive change, we can exploit them as a useful guide for improvement. For example, if we notice that we tend to “Do The Wrong Things Right And Leave The Right Things Neglected,” this barrier can point the way toward re-focusing our priorities on what matters most. If we realize that we “Expect More of Ourselves Than Anyone Else,” we are reminded to adjust the unrealistic expectations we hold for ourselves and reduce the anxiety we carry. Regardless of what the barrier is, it will show you where to concentrate your efforts to change.

Shift #3: We Live On A Continuum Of Change
The third shift is subtle, but just as important as the first two. When we consider the change we want to make in our lives, we can sometimes get trapped in “either, or” and “black or white” kinds of absolute thinking. This is counterproductive. Instead, we need to recognize that we all live on a continuum of steady change that keeps us in a constant state of “becoming.”

Now, let’s put all three of the shifts together in a very practical example. Let’s say you’ve become aware of one of your specific barriers – perhaps you do not ask for help and support from others when you really need it. Rather than simply ignoring the behavior, you have recognized that the barrier is showing you an area for potential growth: it marks the pathway to change for you. Now that this new awareness has helped you see an avenue for change, you can use the concept of “a continuum of change” to develop a goal for taking small steps forward.

For instance, ask yourself the scaling question: “On a scale of 1 to 10, where do I put myself on the continuum.” A rank of “1” means that I absolutely never ask for help from anyone while a rank of “10” means that I consistently and appropriately seek help and support from those around me. Now, using the scale of 1 – 10, place yourself at a given point along the continuum. Let’s say for example that you gave yourself a “4”, meaning that less than half of the time you are willing to take the risk of opening up and asking for help. This ranking now offers several teachable moments. For example, what is the result in your life of being a “4?” Are you suffering quietly with a burden you can’t carry alone? Do you have growing seeds of resentment toward those who do not “read your mind” and know that you could use a hand? Are the burden and resentment starting to spill over into other parts of your life? More importantly, if you are not content staying at a “4,” what would it take to become a 5 or even a 6 or 7? What one or two practical steps could you take beginning right now to start moving along the continuum toward your desired goal?

This final question becomes your action plan for growth. It is not feasible to go from 4 to 10 overnight. However, if you commit to a couple of achievable, incremental goals then change is not only realistic, but inevitable. You can see that making these three shifts and following similar self-guided questions can open up opportunities to address your barriers and create focused change. The path toward becoming an effective Domestic Diplomat requires that you make these shifts. Once you do, you are ready for the final installment of this series.

Visit the Breaking Barriers blog next Monday for Part 4 of this series, which will help you focus on the communication and conflict resolution skills that will help you excel as a successful Domestic Diplomat. In the meantime, your homework is to notice one barrier that surfaces throughout your experience this week. Rather than judging it, just become aware of what it is and what it creates in your life. Next, shift your thinking in order to look at that barrier as something that points toward change, rather than something unwanted to get rid of. And finally, place yourself on a continuum and make a reasonable commitment to move toward the change you want to see.

PART TWO OF FOUR: “Domestic Diplomats”

Thank you for returning to the “Breaking Barriers” blog for Part 2 of this 4-part series. The series, Domestic Diplomats, is designed to support women in their roles as working parents, committed homemakers and involved citizens. If you missed any of the previous posts, you can find them on the blog by scrolling down toward the bottom of the home page.

In Part 1 we began with identifying the underlying patterns and barriers that get us off track and keep us out of balance. This introduction laid the foundation for being a successful Domestic Diplomat. Part 2 picks up where we left off and shifts toward identifying the specific barriers that hold us back.

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Last week I provided a snapshot of the “Good Intentions” pattern and the “Repeat Success” patterns as a way of demonstrating how our routines often distract us from taking an honest look at our barriers. Now that each of you understand your own pattern of experience better, identifying your barriers is possible.

In my coaching and consulting experience, I have identified many different barriers that women experience as they negotiate the demands of modern life. Not only can these barriers make people ineffective communicators and problem-solvers, but over time they can prevent us from reaching our larger goals in life. Before we identify some of the most common barriers Domestic Diplomats experience, a few reminders first.

The more familiar we become with our own patterns, the better we will be able to recognize our barriers when they show up. And, as a general rule - when we see a barrier we don't need to rush to "fix it." Instead, we should make friends with it in order to more deeply understand where it comes from and what it creates for us. In that spirit, here are a few of the common barriers that Domestic Diplomats encounter:

1) Not Asking For Help - You can dish it out, but you can't take it. Giving your all to others and not asking for help when you need it most can hold you back. Worse yet, it sometimes makes the help you give seem to come with “guilty strings” attached.

2) Becoming Trapped In Your “To Do List” - Women are usually efficient and productive, however, constantly anticipating the needs of the next situation (packing the diaper back, change of clothes, work out gear, emergency phone numbers, extra lap top, etc.) can get you trapped in anticipation of “what comes next.” Always preparing, but never being present can create a big blind spot.

3) Wishing Or Hoping Things Would Be Different - Being stuck in your thoughts about how things "should be” can keep you from taking proactive steps to make change. Even if you don’t think of yourself as a victim of others, being a victim of “should” can paralyze you and leave you feeling bitter and angry.

4) Expecting More of Yourself Than Anyone Else – When the bar is set so high, the pressure can be unbearable. Sometimes it’s helpful to realize who is holding the bar so high. Bosses, partners, children and friends usually don’t place unrealistic demands on your life – so why do you?

5) Doing The Wrong Things Right And Leaving The Right Things Neglected - Getting the shopping done perfectly well while avoiding that difficult conversation with your husband, girlfriend, etc. can turn your priorities upside down. When we accomplish lesser priorities while avoiding more important needs, we get the illusion of success, at the expense of taking care of what matters most.

6) Change Exhaustion – The pace of life and its many changes can be unrelenting. Too many changes over a short period of time can lead to fatigue and resistance. Because it’s infeasible to stop the flow of change, we have to focus on becoming attached to the things that are lasting, while holding only loosely to the things that are fleeting.

7) Confirmation Bias – When you expect to feel unappreciated, don’t be surprised if you feel unappreciated. Looking for what reinforces our own existing beliefs and expectations gives us a kind of tunnel vision. As a result, we miss out on other possibilities and end up believing what we already assumed was true.

8) Never Truly Letting Go - You finally get to the gym for some “me time” and instead of relaxing into a good workout, you're mind is pacing back and forth between tomorrow’s "to do list" and the dishes in the sink at home. Instead of the rationalized virtue “someone needs to be responsible”, never really letting go becomes a burden that suffocates new ideas and possibilities from your life experience.

9) Expecting People to Read Our Minds (And Being Frustrated When They Don't)– Just because those from Venus are known as the superior communicators on the planet, doesn’t mean you don’t have work to do. You may be pleasantly surprised to find that more of your needs are met when you clearly express your expectations to others.

These are some of the more prominent barriers that I see with women who are juggling commitments at work, at home and in the community. Some of these may speak to you, while others may not. Your homework this week is to use this list as a starting place, and simply notice the barriers you encounter. Now that you are familiar with your pattern (from Part 1), when the barriers show up you will be much better positioned to learn from it.

Visit the Breaking Barriers blog next Monday for Part 3 of this series, which will help you focus on the attitude, behaviors and skills required to become a successful Domestic Diplomat.

PART ONE OF FOUR: “Domestic Diplomats”

Are you one of the millions of women juggling responsibilities at home, at work and in the community? If so, chances are that at the end of long work/school days and throughout hectic weekends, you are required to be a Domestic Diplomat – always keeping the peace, negotiating schedules, soothing hurt feelings and, with all your spare time, delicately advocating for your own needs.

Needless to say, tactfully juggling everyone’s needs and expectations (while too often putting your own needs on the back burner) can be an overwhelming challenge that sometimes gets the best of us.

This four-part series is designed to support women in their roles as working parents, committed homemakers and involved citizens. Each piece offers room for some healthy venting, as well as some very practical strategies and tips to meet the challenges of life in the 21st century. Part 1 is about identifying the barriers that get us off track and keep us out of balance. This introduction lays the foundation for being a successful Domestic Diplomat.

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Many people talk about having balance as though it is the elixir of life. However, is searching for balance the answer? I do believe that work/life and physical/emotional/spiritual balance are an important aspect of a healthy life, but achieving balance is not a silver bullet. Even more important than having balance is becoming aware of the things that can knock us out of our rhythm. Before we can strike a balance we have to discover the barriers that make us one-dimensional, keep us off balance and out of focus.

There are many different barriers that women experience under the demands of modern life (i.e., setting low expectations to avoid failure, doing the wrong things right and leaving the right things neglected, inability to adapt to change, etc.). Not only can these barriers make us ineffective communicators and problem-solvers, but they can prevent us from reaching our larger goals in life. Successful Domestic Diplomats must be willing to identify and address barriers.

Before we get into more specific examples in Part Two, it is important to understand that these barriers are experienced within patterns of experience. In most cases, these patterns prevent us from understanding and addressing our barriers. Here are a couple of common experience patterns that might seem familiar to you:

The “Good Intentions” Pattern – A) You have energy and excitement for accomplishing your goals; B) You put forth some effort, although you’re not very directed; C) You experience mixed results; D) Barriers pop up and overwhelm you; E) Frustration and negative self-talk set in; F) You lose focus and become distracted from your priorities; G) You spend time trying to rebuild your energy and excitement toward the goal…and the cycle starts again.

The “Repeat Success” Pattern – A) You have a track record of past success in one part of your life; B) You put all your energy into what you know you are good at; C) Other parts of your life begin to suffer; D)The imbalance becomes painful and you’re forced to look at the part of your life that you’ve neglected; E)As these unfamiliar Barriers come into sight, your efforts lack confidence and commitment; F) When you’re not perfect at “fixing things” right away, frustration sinks in; G) You return to what you know in order to feel the success from what you’re good at…and the cycle starts again.

Notice in both of these examples, the moment the barriers are seen and felt, the cycle moves the person away from confronting them directly. If you experience one or both of these patterns, it is important to recognize that the barriers that create frustration for us also give us the opportunity to grow. Rather than being something to ignore or retreat from, we should embrace our barriers and learn what they can teach us about what gets us stuck. Only by addressing these barriers can we potentially change the dynamic of the cycle.

What is most important at this point is simply to become aware of your own patterns and the specific barriers that you experience. Don’t rush to fix them, and definitely don’t react to them – just observe what they are and get to know more about when they show up and what they create for you. Visit the Breaking Barriers blog next Monday for Part 2 of this series. Part two will help you take the next step to address your barriers on your path to becoming a Domestic Diplomat.

“Pain is Changeful”

Riddle: What is really good for us, feels really bad for us, is something that we avoid and yet is something that’s ultimately unavoidable? Change.

Despite our valiant efforts to fend it off with repetitive behavioral routines and comfortable patterns of thinking, change is all around us and is a natural part of life. While it’s true that change can sometimes be really painful, it is also true that pain is changeful. This is more than a distinction without a difference - so if you are confused, stick with me.

More than just a clever way to reframe a problem or negative experience, looking at pain as a source of positive change is an efficient and practical choice. Pain from change can come in many forms, including: frustration over unmet expectations, disappointment over lost opportunities and grief from broken relationships to name a few. Rather than seeing these painful experiences as a nuisance or something to “get past”, why not embrace them as a vehicle to accelerate the change we experience?

If these negative emotions are part of the reality we are facing, we can choose to seize that moment and face up to them squarely in order to take important lessons from them. The following tips may help you find the focus and sustain the motivation to stick with the pain and use it as a catalyst to change:

1) Keep Perspective – It is critically important to keep things in perspective so that we can process our experiences accordingly. A frustrating experience may feel like a “mountain”, but if we capture a wider vantage point when the initial sting subsides, we may actually recognize it as just a “small hill”. Keeping perspective will reduce wasted energy on potential over-reactions as our responses to painful experiences become more proportional.

2) Find The Teachable Moment – If pain is truly going to be changeful, we have to find the teachable moment. Maybe the lesson is about our own misguided efforts, perhaps we didn’t listen enough or perhaps we didn’t stand up for what we knew was right. Either way, the important thing is to capture the lesson and fully integrate into our experience for next time.

3) If I Feel Something, They Feel Something – If your pain stems from some kind of relationship concern, chances are just like you feel something, the other person involved also feels something. This recognition can be a humanizing force and it is an important reminder that if we get out of our own shoes, we’re likely to be less attached to our own emotional pain as we empathize and connect with others.

The next time you feel pain or discomfort, think changefully about ways to use the experience for your own growth and development. Imagine what’s possible when pain is changeful and regrets are unnecessary.

“The Weight of the World”

Have you ever tried to start something new – something so new that you had to create it out of thin air? Maybe you decided to commit to a new attitude or behavior. Maybe you rededicated yourself to better performance at your current job. Or, maybe you were the driving force behind a new business or other venture. If you have done any of these things, chances are you have seen first hand what a roller coaster setting and achieving goals can be.

During the dreaming stage, ideas and goals flow and things can feel loose and light. However, moving from out-of-the-box, blue sky thinking to on-the-ground action can make things feel heavy – like the weight of the world is squashing the life out of the motivation you have to succeed. Swinging between both of these poles is to be expected as they represent the tension needed to bring our goals to fruition. Unfortunately, many of us shy away from finishing things because we don’t persevere through the intensity of the extremes before settling into a comfortable middle-ground that leads us to inspired, but focused action.

A coaching client who runs a multimedia company wants to establish himself as a preeminent documentarian whose work literally changes the world. This is a lofty goal for sure, but one that inspires him deeply just by saying it out loud. Just as the thought of redefining his career makes him fly, the patience for and commitment to the baby steps required along the way could challenge him and pull him off track. The way he responds to this tension between the opposing forces will make all the difference in the world. But how can we consistently respond to these shifts in ways that will contribute to our success?

One of the best ways to manage the challenges of goal attainment is to simply remind yourself of where you are going. Yogi Berra once said “If you don’t know where you are going, you’ll wind up somewhere else.” Whether it is a written affirmation or some other picture of success, these reminders can serve as compass points when you are turned around. Next, we can set the right type of goal for a given situation. Some goals are defined in concrete, specific ways (i.e. I need to read chapter 10 of my biology text book) while others are more abstract or broad (i.e. I want to have a successful career). Most people tend to express things in more abstract terms; as a result they tend to get bogged down and lose their way in the face of adversity. If your goal is defined in a broad manner, determine more concrete goals that could serve as a means for achieving the loftier goal. This can jump start progress and keep things moving in a forward direction.

Finally, we should remember that it takes a tremendous amount of psychological energy to make something real. In the beginning, nobody else will believe something is so until we have relentlessly shown that it is. Waking up everyday and re-establishing yourself can put some wear and tear on your motivation. It is helpful to plan for this by periodically revisiting the passion that inspired the goal in the first place. In the same way that helium lifts a balloon, we have to find ways to use our motivation as a tool to do the heavy lifting of the day-to-day action planning.

Imagine what’s possible if we used the strength of our motivation to lift the weight of the world and achieve our goals.

“Are You Energized, Focused & Engaged In Your Work?”

In a recent coaching session with a 40 something professional, I was asked “What’s wrong with me? I loved this job when I started two years ago, but now my mind wanders and I don’t feel engaged at all.” He went on to say “I know I should be happy every day because this is a great job and I’m lucky to work in a growing field”.

This is a very common dilemma that many people face in today’s workplace. Let me ask you the question: are you energized, focused and engaged in your work? I believe that there are some things in life that just sound really good. Waking up each day excited about work and arriving on the job with a high level of energy, focus and commitment is one of those things. In reality, it seems that this total package of ongoing happiness and challenge is something that eludes many of us, yet we feel like we should experience those positive feelings on a daily basis. This “should” is strong, and many of us even beat ourselves up a bit when we feel our energy wane, our focus drift and our engagement relax in the work that we are doing.

In my experience, most people struggle to “love what they do”. This is not because they aren’t trying hard enough or aren’t committed enough; it is because things ebb and flow naturally and the cycle of things, especially in a work environment, naturally has its highs and lows. If one can maintain a basic underlying commitment to the work they are doing over time, the chance to revive and increase energy, focus and engagement at work is always within reach.

Here are a few suggestions that may help you get through a period of time where your energy and focus lag:

1) Write down a few examples of day-to-day activities that you feel bring energy and focus to your work. Using whatever level of autonomy you have in planning your daily activities, do as many of these as possible.

2) Do something each day that utilizes one of your strengths and delivers a jolt of enthusiasm. For example, if you are a good problem solver, spend a few minutes thinking about an intriguing problem you face at work and plan to share your ideas with a colleague.

3) Remember that you are not alone. Find a way to constructively talk about your attitude toward work with a colleague. Rather than complaining with somebody else, find someone who can support you as you rebuild your sense of positive focus and engagement.

4) And finally, know that the workplace evolves in a cycle. The most important thing is to maintain an on-going commitment to your work, which will keep you engaged enough during the challenging times.

In some cases, however, there can be issues beyond just the natural cycle of highs and lows at work. Occasionally people compromise their values and perhaps even a long-term goal or dream that they have for themselves by staying in a job. In these cases, it is less realistic to think that exercising patience during hard times will ultimately result in the return of a higher level of energy and focus in the future.

A good way to find out if your own values are in conflict with the work you do is to do a quick “values sort”. Write down 10 – 15 values that you hold dear (i.e. being challenged, attaining financial reward, respect, teamwork, etc.). Next, circle the four or five that are the most important to you. After this, make an honest assessment of how these values are or are not being met in your current work. If you must honestly say that more times than not you are compromising your core values at work, the chances of becoming more fully energized, focused and engaged in your work are slim. Once we compromise our values over a period of time (knowingly or unknowingly), we lose the integrity that is needed for maintaining a true commitment.

Imagine what’s possible when we find something, even something small, each day that brings energy, focus and engagement to our work.

“Take It to the Elephant Graveyard”

Popular legend suggests that elephants instinctively leave their group when they reach an older age and then guide themselves toward a special place known as the Elephant Graveyard. When their journey is done, they die there alone, far away from the group - perhaps so that their passing does not adversely impact the herd or slow them down in any way.

Whether true or not, I think human nature can learn something important from watching this animal instinct in action. There are elephants all around us - at home, at work and throughout our community. Only the DNA of these elephants is formed from the miscommunications, unresolved conflicts, unmet expectations, denials and outbursts we experience in the course of our day-to-day lives.

When our higher ideals and abilities guide us, we confront these situations and resolve the issues in ways that allow us to move past the challenge at hand. However, when we lack the courage, energy or ability to successfully resolve an issue, it can take on a life of its own and acquire residence amidst our daily tasks and relationships. The old saying “the elephant in the room” describes these often unmentionable issues that are known by most to be present, yet overwhelm or intimidate direct conversation about their nature and influence.

How many aging elephants are lingering in your office, board room or living room? What is stopping you from giving them permission to go away and die so that you can move on, unencumbered by the weight of their memory? The following suggestions are offered here as a resource to address your “elephant in the room”:

Make the undiscussable discussable – Whether the issue is between two or twenty-two people, reduce the stigma of discussing the issue by requesting an open and honest discussion. Resistance to this can come from fear of saying things that may hurt others or result in retribution. You can reduce these fears and encourage conversation by setting up a few groundrules to make it a safe conversation.

Put the elephant in all three dimensions – The proverbial blind men touching different parts of an elephant and all describing something very different is a helpful analogy. It should not be assumed that everyone “knows exactly what’s going on here”. Invite people to share their perspective on the issue and don’t judge the way in which perspectives are different concerning the nature and causes of the issue. This will result in a much fuller understanding of what is happening and what is at stake.

Focus everyone on moving forward – Pose a powerful question to start down the path of resolution. Asking “what do we need to do to make peace with this and move on?” will initiate a conversation of possibilities and perhaps forgiveness and peace.

Implementing these three suggestions will be difficult for sure. However, they offer a possible way through the deeply-rooted issues that bog you and others down. Imagine what’s possible when the path to the elephant graveyard becomes well traveled and we confront our issues directly to let go of the past and claim a better future.

“What’s Your Emotional Bottom Line?”

In business we pay attention to the bottom line as a measure of net income and as an indicator of the health and potential of an enterprise. But in our own lives, what helps us gauge our current health and potential for success? Our emotional bottom line can be an enlightening interpersonal benchmark of what’s working and what’s not working for us.

An emotional bottom line is the difference between what you need and what you are getting. A healthy emotional bottom line means that in general you are getting your needs satisfied more often than not. For example, if a person has an expressed need to feel challenged in their position at work, a healthy emotional bottom line would indicate that in general they enjoy a sense of challenge on most days at work. Your bottom line can be measured by identifying and reflecting on your various roles and responsibilities and documenting what aspects provide reasonable degrees of challenge.

Similar to a businesses’ bottom line, our emotional bottom line can help us to be reflective about a given situation to determine whether or not we need to address any gaps.

While working with a client recently, I had the opportunity to help them articulate their emotional bottom line related to a contentious issue in the workplace. My client explained that she had repeatedly felt “shut out” and “undermined” by a dominating colleague. During meetings, she was unable to present her own ideas without fear of being interrupted or sidetracked. This led to anxiety and an ever-present, underlying sense of worry. I asked the client what she needed in this situation. She explained that she desired mutual respect with her colleague and wanted the freedom to express ideas on her own terms, without fear of sabotage. When asked where her emotional bottom line was right now, she explained that in general, most days left her feeling frustrated and unable to meet her needs.

As we probed on the related issues more deeply, the realization of an unhealthy bottom line helped the client to assess how important these emotional and psychological needs were, what negative effects their absence were having on her life inside and outside of the workplace and, most importantly, what assertive action she was willing to commit to in order to improve her emotional bottom line related to these particular needs.

Walking yourself through this type of reflective exercise to measure your own emotional bottom line can add a lot of value at both a personal or team level. It helps to put something very subjective into a more objective framework, making it easier to talk about difficult interpersonal issues. Rather than losing our balance, imagine what’s possible if we took an honest look out our emotional bottom lines?

“When Are We Part of the Problem?”

Recently during a heated mediation session, one of the disputants lamented that the situation had only gotten bad when the other person failed to make their agreed upon payments according to the proper payment schedule. He stopped short of using the actual words “it’s all her fault”, but the tone and intent said as much. As this gentleman was analyzing his predicament, something really important was at work – the chance to see the causes and connections that bring unwanted outcomes to our lives.

During a private conversation in the midst of the mediation I asked him about his role in the situation. I explained that it is important to understand the total picture in order to find both short term and long term solutions. At first he explained that he didn’t have a role in the conflict, but rather he was a victim of the failed payment schedule. Then I asked him to go beyond the outward analysis of the situation and to look inwardly to see if the picture changed any for him. I specifically asked him “when the first payment was late, what did you do?” He explained that he got upset and expected that from now on there would be a pattern of lateness (only confirming his impression of the business partner). He also said that he chose not to call to inquire about the late payment directly, but rather to take a wait and see approach.

Later on in the mediation he would find out that his choice to be passive was a costly factor in the dispute because the late payment was an inadvertent clerical error that could have been cleared up with one phone call. To say that it wasn’t his responsibility to fix the situation when the payment was owed to him misses the point – it is not about blame but about being proactive in advocating for what we need just not at the expense of others’ needs.

The difference between thoughtful consideration about what we’re willing to go along with is not the same as taking on a resistant attitude. There are lots of things we are asked to do that we may not feel excited about or derive much personal satisfaction from, yet the responsibilities are important nonetheless. I’m specifically referring to times when we should speak up against or avoid the things that have room for our personal choice.

For example, during a coaching session with a client I was told the story of a team project that got out of hand. My client was really upset because more and more expectations had been heaped upon her as the project leader. As I delved into the situation with her, I asked questions to help her see the full picture – both the external factors as well as her own choices that contributed to the situation. As we discussed things, she remembered an email from her boss that asked “would it be okay to move the deadline up and to provide two reports instead of one?” At the time, my client read the email less as a question and more as a demand. However, in considering things now, she recognized that she was guilty in going along with things and leaving her emerging sense of frustration left unsaid.

Asking ourselves the question “what did I do to contribute to this situation” can be a very powerful way of helping us to see how we are often in collusion with things that are not in our own best interest. It is our own acquiescence to these factors that is often at the root of our dissatisfaction, not the factors themselves. It requires a real honest look at ourselves to ask what we have contributed to a given mess, but the benefits can potentially set us on course to avoid the same line of blind thinking in the future. Imagine what’s possible when we stop being a partner to our problems and start making choices that lead us to more satisfying results.

“Make the Most of Every Complaint”

Complaining has gotten a bad wrap. Just today I saw a bumper sticker that said “Stop Global Whining” – a coy reference to everything that is annoying about complaining (and complainers), yet a statement that overlooks the fact that every complaint holds the potential for something powerful - an opportunity for real change.

A complaint is like the tip of an iceberg – it is a small representation of something bigger that exists below the visible surface. While complaints often appear to be simple, negative reactions, they are also a sign of things that matter to us. Revealing what is below the surface of our complaints can help us connect to what matters most.

Psychologists Robert Kegan and Lisa Laskow Lahey provide insight into the way our surface-level complaints represent something powerful when they say: “We would not complain about anything unless we cared about something.” During a recent conversation with a coaching client who shared a significant complaint with me, I used an activity based on Kegan and Lahey’s work to help him follow the path of his complaint to his underlying values and priorities.

- His complaint, which was said with equal parts venom and hopelessness, went something like this: “I can’t stand it when people talk behind each others’ backs, the constant backbiting and gossip is killing morale”.

- After acknowledging what he said and telling him I appreciated how strongly he felt about it, I asked him to take that complaint and restate it in the form of a commitment – in other words, behind the complaint, what is your commitment? He replied, “Well, I guess I’m committed to more open and direct communication with colleagues at work”.

- Great, I said, now as you think about your commitment, what are you doing or not doing that prevents your commitment from being fully realized? “Um, I don’t speak up when colleagues gossip about others. And, I won’t always speak to a person directly when I have an issue with them.”

- Okay, now looking at your behavior, are you also committed to something else – do you have a competing commitment? After some thought, he replied “Yes, I guess I’m also committed to not being seen as some ‘righteous crusader’, or ‘condescending watchdog’. And, I want people to feel comfortable with me.”

- We discovered that he holds several commitments that are working against each other. Now, I said, when you look at your competing commitments, do you see a big assumption that holds them together? “Yes! I assume that if people do see me as the righteous crusader then they will avoid me, I would eventually become shunned and have no real connections at my office, and then work would become a nightmare.”

In review, I asked him what he noticed about the exercise. Like the many others who I have done this activity with, he was amazed at the way his competing commitments and assumptions had created a frustrating cycle of disappointment. He said, “I’ve been feeling like a whiner, but now I can see my convictions and use those in a more productive way”.

Rather than looking outward and blaming others for his dissatisfaction, he had a new framework to observe his own internal choices that contributed to his complaint. The next time you complain, try to follow it below the surface and see if it leads you to what matters most.

“What’s for Breakfast? Your Business’ Strategy!”

Many people mistakenly think that the hardest thing in running a business is developing and continuously adjusting the right strategy to achieve the business’ desired goals. While having a sound strategy to deal with competitive pressures and economic uncertainties is critical, it is the process of implementing strategy that can be the major obstacle to long-term organizational success.

Recently a client from the hotel business was developing a complicated workforce development strategy. As the finishing touches were being put on the plan, the team leader confirmed that “we nailed it”. At that moment, I quickly interjected a popular buzz phrase to the rest of the team - “culture eats strategy for breakfast”. I explained that this is an accurate and realistic danger because many business leaders develop their short and long-term plans in a vacuum, thinking that the strategy itself will be enough to lead the way.

It always has been, and always will be, the people who must integrate change and adapt their attitudes and behaviors to new strategic directions if those changes will firmly take hold. If you’ve ever tried to steer an organization into a new direction through pure technical or strategic means, rather than incorporating a human strategy component that accounts for the living, breathing, working culture of the organization itself, then you know what I am talking about. It can be like herding cats.

An interesting question about organizational culture is: can we really influence it, or will it simply do what it does? In my work with organizations and their leaders I have come to believe that indeed we can influence workplace culture in meaningful ways so that good strategy has the chance to flourish. The next time you formulate the perfect set of strategic goals for your business, the following ideas may help you to integrate the strategy into the culture of your organization before it gets eaten for breakfast:

Know What Culture Is - Your culture doesn’t need to be a vague or lofty concept. Workplace culture is simply the collective stories, attitudes, beliefs, rules, behaviors, jokes and experiences that are learned and shared by those inside the organization. When it is meshing, culture is a powerful force that helps people understand each other and work effectively together. When it becomes dysfunctional or goes through periods of change, it can be a powerful force that contributes to misunderstanding, conflict, poor working relationships and inefficiency.

Treat Culture Like a System - The culture of your organization is a complex system, with lots and lots of moving parts that come together to give it its unique identity. When integrating new elements to the system (e.g. strategic plans), it is critical to take a step back and look at the written and unwritten rules of the organization to know how the strategy will be understood and received. Some cultures strive to hold firmly to their history and identity, while some others are built around the notion of continuous change. Sometimes the different parts of the system do not see the world in the same way; therefore, communicating context and insight related to proposed strategic change is essential.

Listen to Voices and Give them Choices - It is important to listen to all the voices within the organization. Often there are internal influencers (they could be positive contributors or underminers) that hold sway with the pulse of the group. All voices, despite their potential opposition to a new prospective strategy, should be fully integrated into the discussion. Listening is only the first part of this process, however. Opening up a forum for dialogue and an exchange of views gives people an empowering voice and renders organizational members more likely to support (even if they don’t fully agree with) strategic changes.

Considering these ideas may provide you with a wider perspective that ultimately helps to get things done. Imagine what’s possible when strategic thinking and cultural understanding skip breakfast and just do lunch.

Breaking Barriers - Distraction from Multitasking

Multitasking has been widely recognized as an important skill to have in today’s fast paced and competitive business environment. The notion is that one can do more with less time and in the process withstand multiple interruptions and handle a wide variety of tasks in the course of a workday. New research indicates that multitasking not only results in the loss of time, but it reduces overall effectiveness and the accuracy of performance in the specific categories of tasks involved. The busyness associated with task switching reduces the valuable self-talk and mental processing time we need for effective decision-making. In fact, the overall switch-cost from one activity to the next could represent as much as 20 – 40% reduction in overall productivity.

“Making the First Move to Resolve Emotional Conflict”

Two friends, Jerry and Diane, have volunteered to plan a fundraiser for a local nonprofit organization that they both support. They’ve met several times and agreed on the tasks that each of them would do to get the job done. They scheduled a meeting for the next Monday to review their progress and go over the final plan. At the meeting, Jerry announced that unfortunately he had not finished his tasks because a family outing went longer than expected over the weekend. Diane was offended by this because she set aside her own personal plan of going to a movie with a friend to make sure she got her assignments finished. Jerry tried to explain that while the volunteer commitment is important, he also values family and did not want to compromise the precious weekend time he had with his kids. Diane felt that Jerry’s decision was selfish and her expectation for finishing the project on Monday was definitely unmet. The resentment that she felt toward Jerry grew as she considered her busy upcoming schedule and how the delay in the project would cause more hardship for her. As a result, their excitement for the upcoming event soured and caused both of them to reconsider continuing the collaboration…

In the past we’ve talked about conflict resolution in general. The focus of this column is emotional conflict – the kind of angst that Diane and Jerry experienced in what was supposed to be a friendly, positive project for a good cause. Just like Jerry and Diane, we know that every person is different and it is our differences that make conflict an inevitable part of life. However, if we shift our paradigm and choose to see everyday conflict as an opportunity for growth and positive change, we have the potential to improve relationships and avoid the negative costs of unresolved conflict.

When it comes to emotional conflict, the core friction emerges when people differ in their expectations of each other. Or, put another way, emotional conflict occurs whenever our expectations are left unmet. Emotional conflict occurs in the workplace, at home and in social settings because we often don’t live up to the expectations we have for each other (incidentally, we usually don’t express what our expectations are, but that is the subject of another column). When our expectations aren’t met by the world, disappointment is often the first emotion we experience. Among other things, the challenge with emotional conflict is that it can spawn other disruptive emotional reactions like fear, anxiety and guilt. Something that disappoints us can even lead to a feeling of injustice or victimization and in turn, secondary emotions like anger and resentment.

As positive feelings that help connect us to others are replaced by pessimism, resentment and anger, the cumulative effects of emotional conflict can erode happiness, productivity and satisfaction in relationships. For this reason, emotional conflict is very important to resolve. Many conflicts of this nature unfortunately are not resolved because the 1^st step must be taken by the individual whose expectation was unmet. This is counterintuitive in a way. Back to our story, Diane may be thinking that Jerry needs to step forward and apologize for his selfish actions to make the situation right. Or, should Diane be the one to recognize that Jerry wasn’t irresponsible and did not intentionally try to offend or cause an inconvenience for her? Is there a path for Diane and Jerry to get back in synch and work through the differences that threaten their project?

Here are a few ideas that could work for them and maybe work for you if you find yourself in an emotional conflict:

1. Tune in and understand the emotion you are feeling

2. Take ownership for your own unmet expectations and tell the person how you feel without blaming them (anger/resentment are secondary emotions, so acknowledge these feelings and let them go)

3. Clearly state your expectation and make a positive request that it be met

As both people exchange ideas about solutions to move forward, the chances for success grow. Imagine what’s possible when we see emotional conflict as a chance to build up our relationships.

“Keep Your Composure When The Pressure is On”

In sports, an indispensable key to success is the ability to maintain composure and execute your objectives in the face of intense pressure. I can still hear the surly words of my college lacrosse coach as I’m being surrounded by three aggressive defenders: “Sostrin, composure! You dictate where you’re going, not the other way around!”

This lesson from sports is quite applicable to our experiences in the workplace – particularly in today’s age of rapid change, shrinking resources and increasing demands. Rather than being reactive and letting the onslaught of challenging circumstances dictate our course, we can keep our composure and remain focused on our goals and objectives.

Challenges to our composure are everywhere. Anytime we experience a disagreement or conflict, a clash of personality, external pressures like tight timelines and tight budgets, or anytime someone else makes us the object of their unhappiness, the pressure is on. I would argue that composure is one of the most underrated traits of successful managers and employees and that if we cultivate it intentionally we can improve our success.

When we lose our composure, our attitudes and behaviors recede into a realm of reactionary, often personality driven behaviors. Rather than assertively working toward a solution, our flustered and disjointed actions can inflame the situation and ultimately take more energy than just dealing with the problem directly. Our composure can unravel in the moment when our knee-jerk reactions and self-talk turn negative. Thoughts such as “This hassle is the last thing I need right now…I don’t deserve this aggravation…and I shouldn’t have to be dealing with this right now” are personal reactions that distract from the challenge at hand and may do more to psych us out of proactive action than the issue itself.

If you need it, go ahead and give yourself a minute to sulk and feel like things aren’t fair. But once that minute of indulgence has passed, breathe deep and let it go, accepting the situation as it is for what it is. While some people seem to effortlessly exude cool, calm and collected attitudes, others need to work a little harder on it. Either way, consistently maintaining our composure is something we can all do. The following tips will help you step up when it’s crunch time crunch:

- Give yourself a minute to vent and collect yourself;

- Assess the situation objectively and don’t let your own or someone else’s personal reaction cloud things;

- Gather all relevant information to understand the issue;

- Look at the deeper root cause of the problem and don’t get distracted by emotional interpretations of it; and

- Lead by example and take simple, focused action on what can be influenced.

You can tell you are composed when you breathe easily, remain centered and acknowledge the pressure and challenge of the moment without adding to it with your own angst. Keeping your composure is not only a key for your own individual success, but by example it can also inspire confidence in others. Imagine what’s possible when we rise to the occasion and keep our composure when the pressure is on.

“In Tough Times...Recover Your Balance!”

Show of hands, who’s feeling a bit squeezed by the challenge and uncertainty of the times? Based on what I hear in business and around the community, “a bit squeezed” is putting it mildly. In fact, many of us are feeling downright crushed by the pressure and concern over the shrinking economy, widespread environmental catastrophes and political instability. How can we still work and live at our best in these tough times? Recover our balance!

It’s a conundrum that many of us face in trying circumstances. When things are difficult and risky, we naturally want to make the right decision and take the right course of action because the margin for error is narrow. In other words, if we don’t get it right, we could really get it wrong. In many ways this “black and white” thinking creates an impossible expectation.

Finding the “right” answer is a tricky proposition in tough times because circumstances tend to be ambiguous and constantly changing. These swirling conditions are often immune to our logic, making our search for the “right” decision or action very difficult. Although we desperately desire the sure thing and a successful outcome, our modern world is sometimes too unpredictable to define in this way.

We can do ourselves a favor by reframing our pursuit of the “right choice” to the search for the “best choice”. The best choice is not about perfection; rather it is about finding the most reasonable path forward in a given situation based on what you know at a given point in time.

The key to finding the “best choice” in a fast-changing world is balance. Finding our balance is walking the tightrope of life, acknowledging that the only certain thing is uncertainty. To help you thrive in the uncertainty and move past the “black or white” and “right or wrong” kind of thinking, consider the following pairs of opposites. Because they exist on a continuum, they can remind us that in order to find our balance it’s not one or the other, but somewhere in between:

Microscopes and Telescopes – Think small and focus on the details while visioning big and thinking long-term.

Rudders and Sails – Take calculated and careful direction while allowing passion and wide ideas to flow.

Caring for Yourself and Helping Others – Make sure your own needs are met while giving support to others.

Hard Work and Lucky Breaks – Put your nose to the grindstone and make it happen while hoping for fortunate timing.

Although it can be confusing to live in the ambiguity, the search for balance along the continuum will help you navigate the grey areas in light of your deeper priorities. Choosing an absolute or polar opposite only serves to limit the important insight from the other end of the spectrum. However, if we are able to consider both opposite ends simultaneously, we can find a unique place on the continuum that blends them both. By continually asking the questions “where am I and where do I want to be” in time we can get clear about what matters most.

The next time you feel off balance and need to make a difficult decision, let go of the desire and pressure to find the one “right answer”. Instead, weigh your continuum of ideas and choices and settle on a reasonable reconciliation of your options. Imagine what’s possible when we find our balance and confidently move forward with the “best choice” all things considered.