PART ONE OF FOUR: “Domestic Diplomats”

Are you one of the millions of women juggling responsibilities at home, at work and in the community? If so, chances are that at the end of long work/school days and throughout hectic weekends, you are required to be a Domestic Diplomat – always keeping the peace, negotiating schedules, soothing hurt feelings and, with all your spare time, delicately advocating for your own needs.

Needless to say, tactfully juggling everyone’s needs and expectations (while too often putting your own needs on the back burner) can be an overwhelming challenge that sometimes gets the best of us.

This four-part series is designed to support women in their roles as working parents, committed homemakers and involved citizens. Each piece offers room for some healthy venting, as well as some very practical strategies and tips to meet the challenges of life in the 21st century. Part 1 is about identifying the barriers that get us off track and keep us out of balance. This introduction lays the foundation for being a successful Domestic Diplomat.

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Many people talk about having balance as though it is the elixir of life. However, is searching for balance the answer? I do believe that work/life and physical/emotional/spiritual balance are an important aspect of a healthy life, but achieving balance is not a silver bullet. Even more important than having balance is becoming aware of the things that can knock us out of our rhythm. Before we can strike a balance we have to discover the barriers that make us one-dimensional, keep us off balance and out of focus.

There are many different barriers that women experience under the demands of modern life (i.e., setting low expectations to avoid failure, doing the wrong things right and leaving the right things neglected, inability to adapt to change, etc.). Not only can these barriers make us ineffective communicators and problem-solvers, but they can prevent us from reaching our larger goals in life. Successful Domestic Diplomats must be willing to identify and address barriers.

Before we get into more specific examples in Part Two, it is important to understand that these barriers are experienced within patterns of experience. In most cases, these patterns prevent us from understanding and addressing our barriers. Here are a couple of common experience patterns that might seem familiar to you:

The “Good Intentions” Pattern – A) You have energy and excitement for accomplishing your goals; B) You put forth some effort, although you’re not very directed; C) You experience mixed results; D) Barriers pop up and overwhelm you; E) Frustration and negative self-talk set in; F) You lose focus and become distracted from your priorities; G) You spend time trying to rebuild your energy and excitement toward the goal…and the cycle starts again.

The “Repeat Success” Pattern – A) You have a track record of past success in one part of your life; B) You put all your energy into what you know you are good at; C) Other parts of your life begin to suffer; D)The imbalance becomes painful and you’re forced to look at the part of your life that you’ve neglected; E)As these unfamiliar Barriers come into sight, your efforts lack confidence and commitment; F) When you’re not perfect at “fixing things” right away, frustration sinks in; G) You return to what you know in order to feel the success from what you’re good at…and the cycle starts again.

Notice in both of these examples, the moment the barriers are seen and felt, the cycle moves the person away from confronting them directly. If you experience one or both of these patterns, it is important to recognize that the barriers that create frustration for us also give us the opportunity to grow. Rather than being something to ignore or retreat from, we should embrace our barriers and learn what they can teach us about what gets us stuck. Only by addressing these barriers can we potentially change the dynamic of the cycle.

What is most important at this point is simply to become aware of your own patterns and the specific barriers that you experience. Don’t rush to fix them, and definitely don’t react to them – just observe what they are and get to know more about when they show up and what they create for you. Visit the Breaking Barriers blog next Monday for Part 2 of this series. Part two will help you take the next step to address your barriers on your path to becoming a Domestic Diplomat.