PART FOUR OF FOUR: “Domestic Diplomats”

Thank you for returning to the “Breaking Barriers” blog for Part 4 of this 4-part series. The series, Domestic Diplomats, is designed to support women in their roles as working parents, committed homemakers and involved citizens. If you missed any of the previous posts, you can find them on the blog by scrolling down toward the bottom of the home page.

Part 1 began with identifying the underlying patterns that get us off track; Part 2 identified some of the specific barriers that hold us back, while Part 3 discussed three important strategies to address barriers. Part 4 will describe more practical tools to help you succeed.

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If you have spent any time implementing some of the breaking barriers strategies that have been discussed in the first three parts of this series, you may have come face to face with the challenge of meeting the day-to-day demands of your life while finding additional energy to put into your own personal and professional development. The push and pull of thinking big and acting small can strain our ability to be poised, communicate assertively and manage emotional conflict effectively. These are the three hallmarks of a successful Domestic Diplomat and the following reminders can help you improve in these areas:

Stay Poised and Keep Your Composure -
Challenges to our composure are everywhere, however, maintaining composure is one of the most underrated traits of successful “Domestic Diplomats.” When we lose our composure, our attitudes and behaviors recede into a realm of reactionary, often personality driven behaviors. Rather than assertively working toward a solution, our flustered and disjointed actions can inflame the situation and ultimately take more energy than just dealing with the problem directly. The following tips will help you step up and stay cool when it’s crunch time:

- Give yourself a minute to vent and collect yourself;
- Assess the situation objectively and don’t let your own or someone else’s personal reaction cloud things;
- Gather all relevant information to understand the issue;
- Look at the deeper root cause of the problem and don’t get distracted by emotional interpretations of it; and
- Lead by example and take simple, focused action on what can be influenced.

You can tell you are composed when you breathe easily, remain centered and acknowledge the pressure and challenge of the moment without adding to it with your own angst. Keeping your composure is not only a key for your own individual success, but by example it can also inspire confidence in others.

Communicate Assertively -
Our personal and professional success can be measured in large part by the quality of our relationships. Our relationships flourish and decline one conversation at a time and the artfulness and courage to have these conversations in positive, constructive ways gives us an immediate opportunity to reach greater levels of success in all aspects of our lives. Communicating assertively in our everyday conversations can help us avoid the pent up frustration of things left unsaid or misunderstood. The following conversation guide can help you communicate effectively in a variety of circumstances:

- Describe the situation, including specific behaviors, in objective terms
- Put words to your feelings and express the impact of the situation
- Make a clear request and state what you want
- Ask for a response

Prior to the conversation, determine what an ideal time and place is and who needs to be a part of the conversation. And if you can, practice the conversation out loud by walking through each of the four steps.

Successfully Manage Emotional Conflict –
When it comes to emotional conflict, the core friction emerges when people differ in their expectations of each other. Or, put another way, emotional conflict occurs whenever our expectations are left unmet. “Domestic Diplomats” are often surrounded by emotional conflict in the workplace, at home and in social settings because we often don’t live up to the expectations we have for each other (incidentally, we usually don’t express what our expectations are, but that is the subject of another blog post).

When our expectations aren’t met by the world, disappointment is often the first emotion we experience. Among other things, the challenge with emotional conflict is that it can spawn other disruptive emotional reactions like fear, anxiety and guilt. As positive feelings that help connect us to others are replaced by pessimism, resentment and anger, the cumulative effects of emotional conflict can erode happiness, productivity and satisfaction in relationships. Here are a few ideas that may work for you if you find yourself bogged down in an emotional conflict:

- Tune in and understand the emotion you are feeling
- Take ownership for your own unmet expectations and tell the person how you feel without blaming them (anger/resentment are secondary emotions, so acknowledge these feelings and let them go)
- Clearly state your expectation and make a positive request that it be met

As both people exchange ideas about solutions to move forward, the chances for success grow.

In summary, keeping your composure, communicating assertively and proactively managing emotional conflict are three important traits of successful “Domestic Diplomats.” If you can do these three things well, you will be able to maintain a focus on breaking barriers without getting sidetracked by unnecessary interpersonal issues. In addition, you will create an environment for yourself that is much more for receptive to personal growth. Good luck in your journey to become a successful Domestic Diplomat – the world needs you!

Thank you for joining me and the more than 450 readers who followed this four-part series. As always, don’t forget to visit the Breaking Barriers blog each Monday for new posts, polls and other great ready-to-use insights.