PART THREE OF FOUR: “Domestic Diplomats”

Thank you for returning to the “Breaking Barriers” blog for Part 3 of this 4-part series. The series, Domestic Diplomats, is designed to support women in their roles as working parents, committed homemakers and involved citizens. If you missed any of the previous posts, you can find them on the blog by scrolling down toward the bottom of the home page.

Part 1 began with identifying the underlying patterns and barriers that get us off track and keep us out of balance. This introduction laid the foundation for being a successful Domestic Diplomat. Part 2 picked up their and identified some of the specific barriers that hold us back. Now, in Part 3 we get serious about change.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Okay, now that we have identified some of the specific barriers that challenge us in our day-to-day lives, what next? First and foremost, it’s time to shift your thinking!

There are three important steps that you can take to change the way you think about your barriers. If you make these three shifts, you have the opportunity to continuously learn and make progress on your goals. Whether you are focusing on being a more effective professional, a dedicated mother and wife, or to spend more time focusing on you, making the following three shifts can help you get there.

Shift #1: Before We Can Change, We Have To Become Aware
The pace of modern life can keep us in constant “catch up” mode. Without time to reflect and integrate new learning, we are bound to the same recurring patterns of experience. As we discussed in Part 1, just as our patterns of experience bring us face to face with our barriers, they can also divert us from seeing them for what they are and taking practical steps to address them.

Therefore, the first shift you can make is a commitment to become aware of your attitudes, behaviors and decision-making processes that guide you. Becoming aware is not the same as forming an opinion about what you see. Too many times when we are taking steps in our personal and professional development we “rush to judge” ourselves. This judgment can come with strong emotions, which often blind us from seeing what is really going on. Only by seeing clearly can we identify what exactly is or isn’t working for us in a given situation. Because awareness is the key to making change, we have to have an observer’s eye and steadily examine and learn from what we notice.

Shift #2: Barriers Mark Our Pathway To Change
In Part 2 we discussed several of the common examples of barriers that women experience as they juggle their roles and responsibilities. As you read through the list, did some of those barriers hit home with you? What was your first reaction; to want to get rid of them? Many of us look at our barriers as negative traits or extra baggage to get rid of, to avoid or to use as justification for negative self-talk about ourselves. However, if we simply try to run from or avoid our barriers we miss a critical opportunity.

Instead of avoiding barriers, if we make the second important shift and look at our barriers as signposts that can map the way to positive change, we can exploit them as a useful guide for improvement. For example, if we notice that we tend to “Do The Wrong Things Right And Leave The Right Things Neglected,” this barrier can point the way toward re-focusing our priorities on what matters most. If we realize that we “Expect More of Ourselves Than Anyone Else,” we are reminded to adjust the unrealistic expectations we hold for ourselves and reduce the anxiety we carry. Regardless of what the barrier is, it will show you where to concentrate your efforts to change.

Shift #3: We Live On A Continuum Of Change
The third shift is subtle, but just as important as the first two. When we consider the change we want to make in our lives, we can sometimes get trapped in “either, or” and “black or white” kinds of absolute thinking. This is counterproductive. Instead, we need to recognize that we all live on a continuum of steady change that keeps us in a constant state of “becoming.”

Now, let’s put all three of the shifts together in a very practical example. Let’s say you’ve become aware of one of your specific barriers – perhaps you do not ask for help and support from others when you really need it. Rather than simply ignoring the behavior, you have recognized that the barrier is showing you an area for potential growth: it marks the pathway to change for you. Now that this new awareness has helped you see an avenue for change, you can use the concept of “a continuum of change” to develop a goal for taking small steps forward.

For instance, ask yourself the scaling question: “On a scale of 1 to 10, where do I put myself on the continuum.” A rank of “1” means that I absolutely never ask for help from anyone while a rank of “10” means that I consistently and appropriately seek help and support from those around me. Now, using the scale of 1 – 10, place yourself at a given point along the continuum. Let’s say for example that you gave yourself a “4”, meaning that less than half of the time you are willing to take the risk of opening up and asking for help. This ranking now offers several teachable moments. For example, what is the result in your life of being a “4?” Are you suffering quietly with a burden you can’t carry alone? Do you have growing seeds of resentment toward those who do not “read your mind” and know that you could use a hand? Are the burden and resentment starting to spill over into other parts of your life? More importantly, if you are not content staying at a “4,” what would it take to become a 5 or even a 6 or 7? What one or two practical steps could you take beginning right now to start moving along the continuum toward your desired goal?

This final question becomes your action plan for growth. It is not feasible to go from 4 to 10 overnight. However, if you commit to a couple of achievable, incremental goals then change is not only realistic, but inevitable. You can see that making these three shifts and following similar self-guided questions can open up opportunities to address your barriers and create focused change. The path toward becoming an effective Domestic Diplomat requires that you make these shifts. Once you do, you are ready for the final installment of this series.

Visit the Breaking Barriers blog next Monday for Part 4 of this series, which will help you focus on the communication and conflict resolution skills that will help you excel as a successful Domestic Diplomat. In the meantime, your homework is to notice one barrier that surfaces throughout your experience this week. Rather than judging it, just become aware of what it is and what it creates in your life. Next, shift your thinking in order to look at that barrier as something that points toward change, rather than something unwanted to get rid of. And finally, place yourself on a continuum and make a reasonable commitment to move toward the change you want to see.