“When Are We Part of the Problem?”

Recently during a heated mediation session, one of the disputants lamented that the situation had only gotten bad when the other person failed to make their agreed upon payments according to the proper payment schedule. He stopped short of using the actual words “it’s all her fault”, but the tone and intent said as much. As this gentleman was analyzing his predicament, something really important was at work – the chance to see the causes and connections that bring unwanted outcomes to our lives.

During a private conversation in the midst of the mediation I asked him about his role in the situation. I explained that it is important to understand the total picture in order to find both short term and long term solutions. At first he explained that he didn’t have a role in the conflict, but rather he was a victim of the failed payment schedule. Then I asked him to go beyond the outward analysis of the situation and to look inwardly to see if the picture changed any for him. I specifically asked him “when the first payment was late, what did you do?” He explained that he got upset and expected that from now on there would be a pattern of lateness (only confirming his impression of the business partner). He also said that he chose not to call to inquire about the late payment directly, but rather to take a wait and see approach.

Later on in the mediation he would find out that his choice to be passive was a costly factor in the dispute because the late payment was an inadvertent clerical error that could have been cleared up with one phone call. To say that it wasn’t his responsibility to fix the situation when the payment was owed to him misses the point – it is not about blame but about being proactive in advocating for what we need just not at the expense of others’ needs.

The difference between thoughtful consideration about what we’re willing to go along with is not the same as taking on a resistant attitude. There are lots of things we are asked to do that we may not feel excited about or derive much personal satisfaction from, yet the responsibilities are important nonetheless. I’m specifically referring to times when we should speak up against or avoid the things that have room for our personal choice.

For example, during a coaching session with a client I was told the story of a team project that got out of hand. My client was really upset because more and more expectations had been heaped upon her as the project leader. As I delved into the situation with her, I asked questions to help her see the full picture – both the external factors as well as her own choices that contributed to the situation. As we discussed things, she remembered an email from her boss that asked “would it be okay to move the deadline up and to provide two reports instead of one?” At the time, my client read the email less as a question and more as a demand. However, in considering things now, she recognized that she was guilty in going along with things and leaving her emerging sense of frustration left unsaid.

Asking ourselves the question “what did I do to contribute to this situation” can be a very powerful way of helping us to see how we are often in collusion with things that are not in our own best interest. It is our own acquiescence to these factors that is often at the root of our dissatisfaction, not the factors themselves. It requires a real honest look at ourselves to ask what we have contributed to a given mess, but the benefits can potentially set us on course to avoid the same line of blind thinking in the future. Imagine what’s possible when we stop being a partner to our problems and start making choices that lead us to more satisfying results.