Complaining has gotten a bad wrap. Just today I saw a bumper sticker that said “Stop Global Whining” – a coy reference to everything that is annoying about complaining (and complainers), yet a statement that overlooks the fact that every complaint holds the potential for something powerful - an opportunity for real change.
A complaint is like the tip of an iceberg – it is a small representation of something bigger that exists below the visible surface. While complaints often appear to be simple, negative reactions, they are also a sign of things that matter to us. Revealing what is below the surface of our complaints can help us connect to what matters most.
Psychologists Robert Kegan and Lisa Laskow Lahey provide insight into the way our surface-level complaints represent something powerful when they say: “We would not complain about anything unless we cared about something.” During a recent conversation with a coaching client who shared a significant complaint with me, I used an activity based on Kegan and Lahey’s work to help him follow the path of his complaint to his underlying values and priorities.
- His complaint, which was said with equal parts venom and hopelessness, went something like this: “I can’t stand it when people talk behind each others’ backs, the constant backbiting and gossip is killing morale”.
- After acknowledging what he said and telling him I appreciated how strongly he felt about it, I asked him to take that complaint and restate it in the form of a commitment – in other words, behind the complaint, what is your commitment? He replied, “Well, I guess I’m committed to more open and direct communication with colleagues at work”.
- Great, I said, now as you think about your commitment, what are you doing or not doing that prevents your commitment from being fully realized? “Um, I don’t speak up when colleagues gossip about others. And, I won’t always speak to a person directly when I have an issue with them.”
- Okay, now looking at your behavior, are you also committed to something else – do you have a competing commitment? After some thought, he replied “Yes, I guess I’m also committed to not being seen as some ‘righteous crusader’, or ‘condescending watchdog’. And, I want people to feel comfortable with me.”
- We discovered that he holds several commitments that are working against each other. Now, I said, when you look at your competing commitments, do you see a big assumption that holds them together? “Yes! I assume that if people do see me as the righteous crusader then they will avoid me, I would eventually become shunned and have no real connections at my office, and then work would become a nightmare.”
In review, I asked him what he noticed about the exercise. Like the many others who I have done this activity with, he was amazed at the way his competing commitments and assumptions had created a frustrating cycle of disappointment. He said, “I’ve been feeling like a whiner, but now I can see my convictions and use those in a more productive way”.
Rather than looking outward and blaming others for his dissatisfaction, he had a new framework to observe his own internal choices that contributed to his complaint. The next time you complain, try to follow it below the surface and see if it leads you to what matters most.
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