PART TWO OF FOUR: “Domestic Diplomats”

Thank you for returning to the “Breaking Barriers” blog for Part 2 of this 4-part series. The series, Domestic Diplomats, is designed to support women in their roles as working parents, committed homemakers and involved citizens. If you missed any of the previous posts, you can find them on the blog by scrolling down toward the bottom of the home page.

In Part 1 we began with identifying the underlying patterns and barriers that get us off track and keep us out of balance. This introduction laid the foundation for being a successful Domestic Diplomat. Part 2 picks up where we left off and shifts toward identifying the specific barriers that hold us back.

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Last week I provided a snapshot of the “Good Intentions” pattern and the “Repeat Success” patterns as a way of demonstrating how our routines often distract us from taking an honest look at our barriers. Now that each of you understand your own pattern of experience better, identifying your barriers is possible.

In my coaching and consulting experience, I have identified many different barriers that women experience as they negotiate the demands of modern life. Not only can these barriers make people ineffective communicators and problem-solvers, but over time they can prevent us from reaching our larger goals in life. Before we identify some of the most common barriers Domestic Diplomats experience, a few reminders first.

The more familiar we become with our own patterns, the better we will be able to recognize our barriers when they show up. And, as a general rule - when we see a barrier we don't need to rush to "fix it." Instead, we should make friends with it in order to more deeply understand where it comes from and what it creates for us. In that spirit, here are a few of the common barriers that Domestic Diplomats encounter:

1) Not Asking For Help - You can dish it out, but you can't take it. Giving your all to others and not asking for help when you need it most can hold you back. Worse yet, it sometimes makes the help you give seem to come with “guilty strings” attached.

2) Becoming Trapped In Your “To Do List” - Women are usually efficient and productive, however, constantly anticipating the needs of the next situation (packing the diaper back, change of clothes, work out gear, emergency phone numbers, extra lap top, etc.) can get you trapped in anticipation of “what comes next.” Always preparing, but never being present can create a big blind spot.

3) Wishing Or Hoping Things Would Be Different - Being stuck in your thoughts about how things "should be” can keep you from taking proactive steps to make change. Even if you don’t think of yourself as a victim of others, being a victim of “should” can paralyze you and leave you feeling bitter and angry.

4) Expecting More of Yourself Than Anyone Else – When the bar is set so high, the pressure can be unbearable. Sometimes it’s helpful to realize who is holding the bar so high. Bosses, partners, children and friends usually don’t place unrealistic demands on your life – so why do you?

5) Doing The Wrong Things Right And Leaving The Right Things Neglected - Getting the shopping done perfectly well while avoiding that difficult conversation with your husband, girlfriend, etc. can turn your priorities upside down. When we accomplish lesser priorities while avoiding more important needs, we get the illusion of success, at the expense of taking care of what matters most.

6) Change Exhaustion – The pace of life and its many changes can be unrelenting. Too many changes over a short period of time can lead to fatigue and resistance. Because it’s infeasible to stop the flow of change, we have to focus on becoming attached to the things that are lasting, while holding only loosely to the things that are fleeting.

7) Confirmation Bias – When you expect to feel unappreciated, don’t be surprised if you feel unappreciated. Looking for what reinforces our own existing beliefs and expectations gives us a kind of tunnel vision. As a result, we miss out on other possibilities and end up believing what we already assumed was true.

8) Never Truly Letting Go - You finally get to the gym for some “me time” and instead of relaxing into a good workout, you're mind is pacing back and forth between tomorrow’s "to do list" and the dishes in the sink at home. Instead of the rationalized virtue “someone needs to be responsible”, never really letting go becomes a burden that suffocates new ideas and possibilities from your life experience.

9) Expecting People to Read Our Minds (And Being Frustrated When They Don't)– Just because those from Venus are known as the superior communicators on the planet, doesn’t mean you don’t have work to do. You may be pleasantly surprised to find that more of your needs are met when you clearly express your expectations to others.

These are some of the more prominent barriers that I see with women who are juggling commitments at work, at home and in the community. Some of these may speak to you, while others may not. Your homework this week is to use this list as a starting place, and simply notice the barriers you encounter. Now that you are familiar with your pattern (from Part 1), when the barriers show up you will be much better positioned to learn from it.

Visit the Breaking Barriers blog next Monday for Part 3 of this series, which will help you focus on the attitude, behaviors and skills required to become a successful Domestic Diplomat.