Two friends, Jerry and Diane, have volunteered to plan a fundraiser for a local nonprofit organization that they both support. They’ve met several times and agreed on the tasks that each of them would do to get the job done. They scheduled a meeting for the next Monday to review their progress and go over the final plan. At the meeting, Jerry announced that unfortunately he had not finished his tasks because a family outing went longer than expected over the weekend. Diane was offended by this because she set aside her own personal plan of going to a movie with a friend to make sure she got her assignments finished. Jerry tried to explain that while the volunteer commitment is important, he also values family and did not want to compromise the precious weekend time he had with his kids. Diane felt that Jerry’s decision was selfish and her expectation for finishing the project on Monday was definitely unmet. The resentment that she felt toward Jerry grew as she considered her busy upcoming schedule and how the delay in the project would cause more hardship for her. As a result, their excitement for the upcoming event soured and caused both of them to reconsider continuing the collaboration…
In the past we’ve talked about conflict resolution in general. The focus of this column is emotional conflict – the kind of angst that Diane and Jerry experienced in what was supposed to be a friendly, positive project for a good cause. Just like Jerry and Diane, we know that every person is different and it is our differences that make conflict an inevitable part of life. However, if we shift our paradigm and choose to see everyday conflict as an opportunity for growth and positive change, we have the potential to improve relationships and avoid the negative costs of unresolved conflict.
When it comes to emotional conflict, the core friction emerges when people differ in their expectations of each other. Or, put another way, emotional conflict occurs whenever our expectations are left unmet. Emotional conflict occurs in the workplace, at home and in social settings because we often don’t live up to the expectations we have for each other (incidentally, we usually don’t express what our expectations are, but that is the subject of another column). When our expectations aren’t met by the world, disappointment is often the first emotion we experience. Among other things, the challenge with emotional conflict is that it can spawn other disruptive emotional reactions like fear, anxiety and guilt. Something that disappoints us can even lead to a feeling of injustice or victimization and in turn, secondary emotions like anger and resentment.
As positive feelings that help connect us to others are replaced by pessimism, resentment and anger, the cumulative effects of emotional conflict can erode happiness, productivity and satisfaction in relationships. For this reason, emotional conflict is very important to resolve. Many conflicts of this nature unfortunately are not resolved because the 1st step must be taken by the individual whose expectation was unmet. This is counterintuitive in a way. Back to our story, Diane may be thinking that Jerry needs to step forward and apologize for his selfish actions to make the situation right. Or, should Diane be the one to recognize that Jerry wasn’t irresponsible and did not intentionally try to offend or cause an inconvenience for her? Is there a path for Diane and Jerry to get back in synch and work through the differences that threaten their project?
Here are a few ideas that could work for them and maybe work for you if you find yourself in an emotional conflict:
1. Tune in and understand the emotion you are feeling
2. Take ownership for your own unmet expectations and tell the person how you feel without blaming them (anger/resentment are secondary emotions, so acknowledge these feelings and let them go)
3. Clearly state your expectation and make a positive request that it be met
As both people exchange ideas about solutions to move forward, the chances for success grow. Imagine what’s possible when we see emotional conflict as a chance to build up our relationships.
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