Some Helpful Negotiation Tips for Tough Conversations

Last week a long-lost colleague got in touch with me again. He was facing a difficult work situation and wanted some tips on how to negotiate an important job change. I thought that some of what I shared with him may also be beneficial to you as you navigate the more difficult conversations and decisions that come your way.

Negotiation is a reflection of the dynamic world in which we live and it plays a significant role in our day-to-day lives. If we look at the world as a melting pot where differing needs, perspectives and desires constantly crash into each other, then negotiation - in some form or another - is the primary process of addressing these differences. A child’s bedtime or curfew, what movie the group will see, where the family will take a vacation, and how a business strategy will be designed and implemented are just a few simple examples of the everyday negotiation that we do.

Considering the fact that we are all negotiators all of the time, why isn’t there more attention paid to the knowledge and skill required to do it well? I am often asked for insights on successful negotiation and in response to those requests, this column features a summary of the guiding ideas that have helped me in my personal negotiations as well as the professional negotiations I have been a part of.

Negotiate Interests – Our interests explain the underlying reasons why we want things. Rather than trying to negotiate hard and immobile positions (i.e. “Your curfew is going to be 10:00 pm!”), discuss interests which can often be met in multiple ways (i.e. “I’m concerned that you will not get enough rest in order to be productive at school and soccer, so a 10:00 pm bedtime seems like it would give you ample sleep.”)

Be Hard On The Problem And Soft On The People – The first step toward successful negotiation is to frame differences as mutual problems to be solved. Getting both people in a more objective mindset can give you the opportunity to be hard on tackling the problem, but in a way that doesn’t personalize disagreements and reduce communication and goodwill.

Know What Matters To You – Some say that preparation is the most important part of any negotiation. It is vital that you know what your ‘walk away outcome’ really is. Often called a BATNA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement), this bottom line helps you set a parameter about what will work for you. If you are unable to reach a negotiated settlement that is as good as or better than your BATNA, then you walk away.

Spend Time Understanding Their Perspective – Listening is not simply waiting for your turn to speak. Effective listening involves setting aside your own thoughts, defenses and judgments long enough to truly get inside their thinking about the problem. Understanding their interests is a key to generating options and solutions and when negotiations fail, it is often because the underlying interests and perspectives of both sides were not fully explored, understood and integrated into the discussion.

Break Issues Down Into Smaller Pieces – In complicated situations, getting stuck can hurt momentum and challenge the will of even the most optimistic negotiators. If you find yourself stuck at impasse, try breaking down issues into smaller pieces and addressing them one at a time, starting with the simpler ones. This may jumpstart a bigger breakthrough from an incremental level.

Validate The Other Sides’ Concerns – Problem solving often can’t occur until people have thoroughly expressed the impact of their experiences. We can accelerate the problem-solving phase of negotiation by earnestly acknowledging and validating the other sides’ concerns. This is not the same as agreeing with them, it simply helps them disarm their need to hold tight to past reactions and shift their thinking to future possibilities.

Seek Solutions That Will Satisfy Their Issues, As Well As Your Own – After the concerns of both sides have been fully understood and the underlying interests have been surfaced and put squarely on the table – it is time generate options and solutions. As proposals turn into potential areas of agreement, test them by asking if it satisfies both sides’ interests. Only mutually satisfying outcomes have the potential for durable agreement.