“Get Rid Of Your URPs”

One constant in the complex and diverse world of human relationships is that everybody, no matter how good of a communicator they are, experiences times when communication breaks down and they just get stuck. One of the questions that is often asked in these moments of confusion or hurt is “how did this happen”? While the variables involved with answering this type of question are vast and sometimes beyond our individual control, there is often a dynamic in play that can very much influence our communication experiences and overall relationships.

An Unwanted Repetitive Pattern (URP) is a term that describes the assumed role that a person often falls into when they are communicating with someone else. These are the all too predictable patterns of communication, which in the moment seem unavoidable and even inescapable to the participants. They may often take the form of arguments, nag-withdrawal patterns and other events that steadily diminish the quality of relationships one conversation at a time. I would venture a guess that everyone experiences URPs of some kind in their significant relationships. Pearce and Cronen coined this term in their communication research and the concept is described here as a tool for seeing how each of us may unconsciously keep falling into these unwanted circumstances.

A quick example might help to clarify the concept: Imagine a husband and wife are working hard to be partners in their marriage. The pressures of managing the family, the home and all the stuff take a toll and are often the source of their arguments. Based upon their deeply held attitudes about money, each time things get tight with the family budget, the couple participates in nearly the exact same conversation. Each person performs the same role, with nearly the same words and behaviors. Despite the fact that this repetitive pattern causes hurt and is not really helping them to address their issues, it continues to repeat itself.

The physics of these URPs works something like this: Throughout our relationships we develop a strong sense of what we think we “should do” in a specific context. Over time, whenever that familiar context presents itself, the same set of behaviors naturally recurs. Rather than stopping to evaluate what we want out of a given situation, we effortlessly replay a similar pattern of words, non-verbal communication cues and attitudes that embody this sense of what we ought to be doing. For people who have experienced a dysfunctional relationship with a co-worker, significant other, friend or family member, they often describe the URP as an invisible force that pulls them in a specific direction or pattern of communication.

If you find yourself experiencing a URP, there are a couple of things you can do to disrupt the pattern. The first thing is to notice the dynamic when it occurs. Focus on exactly what the “should” is and observe the specific context that evokes the strong knee-jerk pattern of attitudes and behaviors. When you become more comfortable noticing the pattern, begin to ask these two questions: 1) What would I choose to create in this relationship instead of the URP? and 2) How would these changes alter this relationship so that a new context emerges?

By focusing and eventually getting some clarity on these two questions, it becomes possible to get the leverage needed to change the strong pull of a URP. Although they can be difficult to shift because of their years of strong influence upon us, URPs can be replaced by confident and intentional choices for more effective communication and better relationships. Imagine what’s possible when we ditch our URPs and replace them with more satisfying interactions with others!

Today's Barrier: Fear & Anxiety

In this economy, uncertainty is all around. When that uncertainty gives way to a a deeper sense of fear and anxiety, there are many immediate challenges with learning and performance.

With fear and anxiety at the core, related barriers such as a loss of focus on priorities, decreased motivation to tackle difficult challenges, and low resilience to adversity quickly come into the picture. More subtle, but no less important, are the barriers that slowly erode our long-term success in the workplace. These include decreased trust in the relevance of our work, loss of urgency for achieving difficult goals, and the inability to relate to and collaborate with others effectively.

If you discover that you are operating with consistent feelings of fear and anxiety, make an effort to name the specific causes of concern as they surface. By bringing these into the open, you have a chance of exposing the assumptions that often leave us feeling paralyzed. Once you see the source, simply notice how the factors show up and what outcomes they cause. This process will also bring into focus the things that you can actually influence, as well as the external factors that you simply have to accept and adapt to.

The cost of being overrun by fear and anxiety is too steep to stay in that frame of mind, so look to make subtle shifts toward empowerment as you exert influence over the incremental changes you can manage with confidence.

“Distraction from Multitasking”

Multitasking has been widely recognized as an important skill in today’s fast paced and competitive business environment. By completing multiple tasks simultaneously, the idea is that one can do more with less time and in the process withstand the multiple interruptions and pressures of the modern workplace.

However, new research indicates that multitasking not only results in the loss of time, but it reduces our overall effectiveness and the accuracy of our work. It turns out that the busyness associated with switching back and forth between tasks reduces the valuable self-talk and mental processing time we actually need to make good decisions. Rather than saving us time and money, multitasking can represent as much as a 40% reduction in our overall productivity. That’s not very efficient.

While channel surfing, reading a magazine and eating a snack on the couch at home is harmless, reducing your productivity at work by 40% could leave you out of a job. The next time you’re tempted to email, voicemail and rehearse a presentation all at once, think about the benefit of focusing on each task separately until they’re complete. It’s about going slow to go fast.