“Get Rid Of Your URPs”

One constant in the complex and diverse world of human relationships is that everybody, no matter how good of a communicator they are, experiences times when communication breaks down and they just get stuck. One of the questions that is often asked in these moments of confusion or hurt is “how did this happen”? While the variables involved with answering this type of question are vast and sometimes beyond our individual control, there is often a dynamic in play that can very much influence our communication experiences and overall relationships.

An Unwanted Repetitive Pattern (URP) is a term that describes the assumed role that a person often falls into when they are communicating with someone else. These are the all too predictable patterns of communication, which in the moment seem unavoidable and even inescapable to the participants. They may often take the form of arguments, nag-withdrawal patterns and other events that steadily diminish the quality of relationships one conversation at a time. I would venture a guess that everyone experiences URPs of some kind in their significant relationships. Pearce and Cronen coined this term in their communication research and the concept is described here as a tool for seeing how each of us may unconsciously keep falling into these unwanted circumstances.

A quick example might help to clarify the concept: Imagine a husband and wife are working hard to be partners in their marriage. The pressures of managing the family, the home and all the stuff take a toll and are often the source of their arguments. Based upon their deeply held attitudes about money, each time things get tight with the family budget, the couple participates in nearly the exact same conversation. Each person performs the same role, with nearly the same words and behaviors. Despite the fact that this repetitive pattern causes hurt and is not really helping them to address their issues, it continues to repeat itself.

The physics of these URPs works something like this: Throughout our relationships we develop a strong sense of what we think we “should do” in a specific context. Over time, whenever that familiar context presents itself, the same set of behaviors naturally recurs. Rather than stopping to evaluate what we want out of a given situation, we effortlessly replay a similar pattern of words, non-verbal communication cues and attitudes that embody this sense of what we ought to be doing. For people who have experienced a dysfunctional relationship with a co-worker, significant other, friend or family member, they often describe the URP as an invisible force that pulls them in a specific direction or pattern of communication.

If you find yourself experiencing a URP, there are a couple of things you can do to disrupt the pattern. The first thing is to notice the dynamic when it occurs. Focus on exactly what the “should” is and observe the specific context that evokes the strong knee-jerk pattern of attitudes and behaviors. When you become more comfortable noticing the pattern, begin to ask these two questions: 1) What would I choose to create in this relationship instead of the URP? and 2) How would these changes alter this relationship so that a new context emerges?

By focusing and eventually getting some clarity on these two questions, it becomes possible to get the leverage needed to change the strong pull of a URP. Although they can be difficult to shift because of their years of strong influence upon us, URPs can be replaced by confident and intentional choices for more effective communication and better relationships. Imagine what’s possible when we ditch our URPs and replace them with more satisfying interactions with others!