In honor of the Nat Geo feature, Waking the Baby Mammoth, here is a reprise of a column I published last year.
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Popular legend suggests that elephants instinctively leave their group when they reach an older age and then guide themselves toward a special place known as the Elephant Graveyard. When their journey is done, they die there alone, far away from the group - perhaps so that their passing does not adversely impact the herd or slow them down in any way.
Whether true or not, I think human nature can learn something important from watching this animal instinct in action. There are elephants all around us - at home, at work and throughout our community. Only the DNA of these elephants is formed from the miscommunications, unresolved conflicts, unmet expectations, denials and outbursts we experience in the course of our day-to-day lives.
The old saying “the elephant in the room” describes these often unmentionable issues that are known by most to be present, yet overwhelm or intimidate direct conversation about their nature and influence.
How many aging elephants are lingering in your office, board room or living room? What is stopping you from giving them permission to go away and die so that you can move on, unencumbered by the weight of their memory? The following suggestions are offered here as a resource to address your “elephant in the room”:
Make the undiscussable discussable – Whether the issue is between two or twenty-two people, reduce the stigma of discussing the issue by requesting an open, honest and safe discussion.
Put the elephant in all three dimensions – The proverbial blind men touching different parts of an elephant and all describing something very different is a helpful analogy. Don’t assume that everyone “knows exactly what’s going on here”. Invite people to share their perspective on the issue and don’t judge the way in which perspectives are different concerning the nature and causes of the issue.
Focus everyone on moving forward – Pose a powerful question to start down the path of resolution. Asking “what do we need to do to make peace with this and move on?” will initiate a conversation of possibilities and perhaps forgiveness and peace.
Implementing these three suggestions will be difficult for sure. However, they offer a possible way through the deeply-rooted issues that bog you and others down.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
Sorry, But That Was Bad Advice
I was surprised to read the advice given by a syndicated columnist in yesterday’s newspaper. She was asked for feedback on how to approach an emerging conflict between neighbors. The issue at hand involved intrusive backyard lights that created an uncomfortable glare and disrupted serene, nocturnal hot-tubing. After one attempt to talk about things without a solution, the concerned neighbor asked for help with an emphasis on wanting to avoid escalating the situation. In short the columnist’s advice was to write a formal cease and desist letter and send it by registered mail. And, if that didn’t change things, she should hire an attorney and begin the litigation process. Thanks for coming.
My blog is not designed to give advice directly, but I feel the need to break tradition here and offer some advice to the neighbor who wrote to this syndicated columnist (wherever they are) and to any other people in similar situations who may have read the response. For starters, do not follow that advice.
The registered letter and threat of litigation is the equivalent of snuffing out a candle with a leaf blower. It is an unnecessarily confrontational approach and it is this kind of advisement that often prevents issues like this from being resolved without long-term, negative effects. The adversarial approach that she recommended is shortsighted for the following reasons:
• Registered letters and threats from attorneys invite a volley of tit for tat exchanges that solidify barriers to communication and close the door on reasonable discussion;
• By shifting toward a “win-lose” approach to addressing the issue, common sense is tossed out the window as the focus turns toward proving right and wrong according to CC&Rs, code enforcement issues, HOA rights, etc.; and
• By using external channels to communicate, the person with the most incentive to settle the dispute is made powerless to make those requests directly thus reducing the urgency to settle the matter and the potentially cathartic aspects of conflict resolution.
For individuals experiencing neighbor issues, there are other options to consider that hold more promise for a successful and lasting resolution, including:
• Call your local mediation center. Most communities have one and they offer a wealth of expertise on non-adversarial means of dealing effectively with conflict. They can coach you on an approach or help to convene a mediation session between both sides. San Luis Obispo County residents can contact Creative Mediation at 805-549-0442 or www.creativemediation.net.
• If you want to go it alone, try to speak with the person face to face before sending threatening letters or hiring expensive attorneys. You can use the following steps as a guide for these conversations:
o Invite them to discuss the issues openly
o Vent frustrations and concerns openly, but not in an accusatory manner
o Separate the people from the problem by focusing on issues, not personalities
o Instead of standing firm in positions, focus on the underlying interests
o Brainstorm solutions that can satisfy both sides’ interests
o Agree to a mutual and concrete resolution with clear tasks and timelines
While a proactive approach like this may feel more challenging, it offers the potential to work things out faster, with less stress, and in a manner that strengthens relationships in the long-run. Imagine what’s possible when neighbors mediate more and litigate less.
My blog is not designed to give advice directly, but I feel the need to break tradition here and offer some advice to the neighbor who wrote to this syndicated columnist (wherever they are) and to any other people in similar situations who may have read the response. For starters, do not follow that advice.
The registered letter and threat of litigation is the equivalent of snuffing out a candle with a leaf blower. It is an unnecessarily confrontational approach and it is this kind of advisement that often prevents issues like this from being resolved without long-term, negative effects. The adversarial approach that she recommended is shortsighted for the following reasons:
• Registered letters and threats from attorneys invite a volley of tit for tat exchanges that solidify barriers to communication and close the door on reasonable discussion;
• By shifting toward a “win-lose” approach to addressing the issue, common sense is tossed out the window as the focus turns toward proving right and wrong according to CC&Rs, code enforcement issues, HOA rights, etc.; and
• By using external channels to communicate, the person with the most incentive to settle the dispute is made powerless to make those requests directly thus reducing the urgency to settle the matter and the potentially cathartic aspects of conflict resolution.
For individuals experiencing neighbor issues, there are other options to consider that hold more promise for a successful and lasting resolution, including:
• Call your local mediation center. Most communities have one and they offer a wealth of expertise on non-adversarial means of dealing effectively with conflict. They can coach you on an approach or help to convene a mediation session between both sides. San Luis Obispo County residents can contact Creative Mediation at 805-549-0442 or www.creativemediation.net.
• If you want to go it alone, try to speak with the person face to face before sending threatening letters or hiring expensive attorneys. You can use the following steps as a guide for these conversations:
o Invite them to discuss the issues openly
o Vent frustrations and concerns openly, but not in an accusatory manner
o Separate the people from the problem by focusing on issues, not personalities
o Instead of standing firm in positions, focus on the underlying interests
o Brainstorm solutions that can satisfy both sides’ interests
o Agree to a mutual and concrete resolution with clear tasks and timelines
While a proactive approach like this may feel more challenging, it offers the potential to work things out faster, with less stress, and in a manner that strengthens relationships in the long-run. Imagine what’s possible when neighbors mediate more and litigate less.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Three Quick Mediation Tips For Business Owners
Today’s current business owner and tomorrow’s entrepreneur alike require a range of critical skills to successfully navigate the challenges of doing business. Often overlooked and undervalued are the soft, people skills that mark the difference between deal-making and deal-breaking. One’s ability to mediate opposing interests and find win-win solutions in the face of conflict is a considerable leverage point that can save time, money and get results.
Here are a few quick tips for the businessperson to remember when opposing viewpoints or agendas need to come together:
Attack the problem, not the person. Remember to be hard on the substance of the dispute but soft on the people. Although emotions may rise, both parties are in the same situation. Step back, separate the person from the problem and make a good faith attempt to put energy into solutions vs. blaming.
Reframe for easier understanding. The way you speak your mind is often more important than what you say. To hear and be heard, use open language that expresses the simple points. Avoid comments embellished with condescending jargon, personal attacks or negative tones.
Find ways to create more value. It is easy to focus on a ‘fixed-pie’, or a finite set of value when competing. Try to expand the pie by understanding deeper interests that could lead to other possible points of agreement.
Here are a few quick tips for the businessperson to remember when opposing viewpoints or agendas need to come together:
Attack the problem, not the person. Remember to be hard on the substance of the dispute but soft on the people. Although emotions may rise, both parties are in the same situation. Step back, separate the person from the problem and make a good faith attempt to put energy into solutions vs. blaming.
Reframe for easier understanding. The way you speak your mind is often more important than what you say. To hear and be heard, use open language that expresses the simple points. Avoid comments embellished with condescending jargon, personal attacks or negative tones.
Find ways to create more value. It is easy to focus on a ‘fixed-pie’, or a finite set of value when competing. Try to expand the pie by understanding deeper interests that could lead to other possible points of agreement.
Monday, April 6, 2009
NEGOTIATION 101
Last weekend a colleague asked for some tips on negotiation so I thought I would share a few tips with my readers. These are general concepts, so connect with me if you have a specific situation that you have difficulty applying them to. In the meantime, check out my "Breaking Barriers" podcast updates on iTunes!
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Negotiation is a reflection of the dynamic world in which we live and it plays a significant role in our day-to-day lives. If we look at the world as a melting pot where differing needs, perspectives and desires constantly crash into each other, then negotiation - in some form or another - is the primary process of addressing these differences. A child’s bedtime or curfew, what movie the group will see, where the family will take a vacation, and how a business strategy will be designed and implemented are just a few simple examples of the everyday negotiation that we do.
Considering the fact that we are all negotiators all of the time, why isn’t there more attention paid to the knowledge and skill required to do it well? I am often asked for insights on successful negotiation and in response to those requests, this column features a summary of the guiding ideas that have helped me in my personal negotiations as well as the professional negotiations I have been a part of.
Negotiate Interests – Our interests explain the underlying reasons why we want things. Rather than trying to negotiate hard and immobile positions (i.e. “Your curfew is going to be 10:00 pm!”), discuss interests which can often be met in multiple ways (i.e. “I’m concerned that you will not get enough rest in order to be productive at school and soccer, so a 10:00 pm bedtime seems like it would give you ample sleep.”)
Be Hard On The Problem And Soft On The People – The first step toward successful negotiation is to frame differences as mutual problems to be solved. Getting both people in a more objective mindset can give you the opportunity to be hard on tackling the problem, but in a way that doesn’t personalize disagreements and reduce communication and goodwill.
Know What Matters To You – Some say that preparation is the most important part of any negotiation. It is vital that you know what your ‘walk away outcome’ really is. Often called a BATNA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement), this bottom line helps you set a parameter about what will work for you. If you are unable to reach a negotiated settlement that is as good as or better than your BATNA, then you walk away.
Spend Time Understanding Their Perspective – Listening is not simply waiting for your turn to speak. Effective listening involves setting aside your own thoughts, defenses and judgments long enough to truly get inside their thinking about the problem. Understanding their interests is a key to generating options and solutions and when negotiations fail, it is often because the underlying interests and perspectives of both sides were not fully explored, understood and integrated into the discussion.
Break Issues Down Into Smaller Pieces – In complicated situations, getting stuck can hurt momentum and challenge the will of even the most optimistic negotiators. If you find yourself stuck at impasse, try breaking down issues into smaller pieces and addressing them one at a time, starting with the simpler ones. This may jumpstart a bigger breakthrough from an incremental level.
Validate The Other Sides’ Concerns – Problem solving often can’t occur until people have thoroughly expressed the impact of their experiences. We can accelerate the problem-solving phase of negotiation by earnestly acknowledging and validating the other sides’ concerns. This is not the same as agreeing with them, it simply helps them disarm their need to hold tight to past reactions and shift their thinking to future possibilities.
Seek Solutions That Will Satisfy Their Issues, As Well As Your Own – After the concerns of both sides have been fully understood and the underlying interests have been surfaced and put squarely on the table – it is time generate options and solutions. As proposals turn into potential areas of agreement, test them by asking if it satisfies both sides’ interests. Only mutually satisfying outcomes have the potential for durable agreement.
------------------------------------------
Negotiation is a reflection of the dynamic world in which we live and it plays a significant role in our day-to-day lives. If we look at the world as a melting pot where differing needs, perspectives and desires constantly crash into each other, then negotiation - in some form or another - is the primary process of addressing these differences. A child’s bedtime or curfew, what movie the group will see, where the family will take a vacation, and how a business strategy will be designed and implemented are just a few simple examples of the everyday negotiation that we do.
Considering the fact that we are all negotiators all of the time, why isn’t there more attention paid to the knowledge and skill required to do it well? I am often asked for insights on successful negotiation and in response to those requests, this column features a summary of the guiding ideas that have helped me in my personal negotiations as well as the professional negotiations I have been a part of.
Negotiate Interests – Our interests explain the underlying reasons why we want things. Rather than trying to negotiate hard and immobile positions (i.e. “Your curfew is going to be 10:00 pm!”), discuss interests which can often be met in multiple ways (i.e. “I’m concerned that you will not get enough rest in order to be productive at school and soccer, so a 10:00 pm bedtime seems like it would give you ample sleep.”)
Be Hard On The Problem And Soft On The People – The first step toward successful negotiation is to frame differences as mutual problems to be solved. Getting both people in a more objective mindset can give you the opportunity to be hard on tackling the problem, but in a way that doesn’t personalize disagreements and reduce communication and goodwill.
Know What Matters To You – Some say that preparation is the most important part of any negotiation. It is vital that you know what your ‘walk away outcome’ really is. Often called a BATNA (Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement), this bottom line helps you set a parameter about what will work for you. If you are unable to reach a negotiated settlement that is as good as or better than your BATNA, then you walk away.
Spend Time Understanding Their Perspective – Listening is not simply waiting for your turn to speak. Effective listening involves setting aside your own thoughts, defenses and judgments long enough to truly get inside their thinking about the problem. Understanding their interests is a key to generating options and solutions and when negotiations fail, it is often because the underlying interests and perspectives of both sides were not fully explored, understood and integrated into the discussion.
Break Issues Down Into Smaller Pieces – In complicated situations, getting stuck can hurt momentum and challenge the will of even the most optimistic negotiators. If you find yourself stuck at impasse, try breaking down issues into smaller pieces and addressing them one at a time, starting with the simpler ones. This may jumpstart a bigger breakthrough from an incremental level.
Validate The Other Sides’ Concerns – Problem solving often can’t occur until people have thoroughly expressed the impact of their experiences. We can accelerate the problem-solving phase of negotiation by earnestly acknowledging and validating the other sides’ concerns. This is not the same as agreeing with them, it simply helps them disarm their need to hold tight to past reactions and shift their thinking to future possibilities.
Seek Solutions That Will Satisfy Their Issues, As Well As Your Own – After the concerns of both sides have been fully understood and the underlying interests have been surfaced and put squarely on the table – it is time generate options and solutions. As proposals turn into potential areas of agreement, test them by asking if it satisfies both sides’ interests. Only mutually satisfying outcomes have the potential for durable agreement.
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