Sorry, But That Was Bad Advice

I was surprised to read the advice given by a syndicated columnist in yesterday’s newspaper. She was asked for feedback on how to approach an emerging conflict between neighbors. The issue at hand involved intrusive backyard lights that created an uncomfortable glare and disrupted serene, nocturnal hot-tubing. After one attempt to talk about things without a solution, the concerned neighbor asked for help with an emphasis on wanting to avoid escalating the situation. In short the columnist’s advice was to write a formal cease and desist letter and send it by registered mail. And, if that didn’t change things, she should hire an attorney and begin the litigation process. Thanks for coming.

My blog is not designed to give advice directly, but I feel the need to break tradition here and offer some advice to the neighbor who wrote to this syndicated columnist (wherever they are) and to any other people in similar situations who may have read the response. For starters, do not follow that advice.

The registered letter and threat of litigation is the equivalent of snuffing out a candle with a leaf blower. It is an unnecessarily confrontational approach and it is this kind of advisement that often prevents issues like this from being resolved without long-term, negative effects. The adversarial approach that she recommended is shortsighted for the following reasons:

• Registered letters and threats from attorneys invite a volley of tit for tat exchanges that solidify barriers to communication and close the door on reasonable discussion;

• By shifting toward a “win-lose” approach to addressing the issue, common sense is tossed out the window as the focus turns toward proving right and wrong according to CC&Rs, code enforcement issues, HOA rights, etc.; and

• By using external channels to communicate, the person with the most incentive to settle the dispute is made powerless to make those requests directly thus reducing the urgency to settle the matter and the potentially cathartic aspects of conflict resolution.

For individuals experiencing neighbor issues, there are other options to consider that hold more promise for a successful and lasting resolution, including:

• Call your local mediation center. Most communities have one and they offer a wealth of expertise on non-adversarial means of dealing effectively with conflict. They can coach you on an approach or help to convene a mediation session between both sides. San Luis Obispo County residents can contact Creative Mediation at 805-549-0442 or www.creativemediation.net.

• If you want to go it alone, try to speak with the person face to face before sending threatening letters or hiring expensive attorneys. You can use the following steps as a guide for these conversations:

o Invite them to discuss the issues openly
o Vent frustrations and concerns openly, but not in an accusatory manner
o Separate the people from the problem by focusing on issues, not personalities
o Instead of standing firm in positions, focus on the underlying interests
o Brainstorm solutions that can satisfy both sides’ interests
o Agree to a mutual and concrete resolution with clear tasks and timelines

While a proactive approach like this may feel more challenging, it offers the potential to work things out faster, with less stress, and in a manner that strengthens relationships in the long-run. Imagine what’s possible when neighbors mediate more and litigate less.