Start Thinking Like A Mediator

Imagine, two sisters are bitterly arguing over a single orange, both claiming it is theirs alone. After intense bickering, their Mom enters the room determined to end the dispute and regain peace and calm in the house. She snatches the orange, takes a knife, and proceeds to cut it down the middle, giving half to one sister and half to the other. Following a stern reminder to keep quiet, Mom retreats back to her room leaving both of the sisters to pick up where they left off.

Problem solved? Not exactly, because the story doesn’t end there…

Before we see what comes of these two sisters and the controversial orange, think about a recent conflict you’ve been involved in. We’ve all been there – the point where communication breaks down, walls come up, and we spend more time blaming others for our problems than focusing on potential solutions.

Unfortunately, conflict can also be an expensive and damaging force that destroys even the best relationships and significantly reduces our overall effectiveness. Take a minute right now and consider the costs of unresolved conflict at work, at home and in your personal life. Some of the negative outcomes you’ve experienced may include: physical and emotional stress, reduced productivity, even safety concerns or expensive legal fees. In addition to these negative outcomes, the emotional wake that trails us when we are caught up in a conflict can put a wedge in our relationships and prevent us from being at our best.

Each of us could significantly reduce or eliminate these negative consequences if we began to “start thinking like a mediator”. Thinking like a mediator begins with an attitude shift, where conflict is seen not as a problem to be avoided, but as an opportunity to improve relationships and get more of what we want and need. Thinking like a mediator means you focus on future possibilities, not past mistakes.

How can you start thinking like a mediator? Consider the story of ‘The Orange and the Sisters’ again, which captures a simple lesson about what’s at the heart of conflict. We left off with Mom splitting the orange down the middle. One sister proceeds to juice her half of the orange and throw the peel in the trash. The other sister scoops out the fruit and throws it in the trash, then takes the zest from the peel and uses it to make a cake.

In this situation, if Mom had thought like a mediator she would have been able to help each of the sisters explain what they wanted, why it was important to them and what type of potential resolution they could both live with. Although each sister’s position was mutually exclusive (It’s my orange, you can’t have it), their underlying interests were much more compatible (I want the fruit; I just want the peel). If Mom thought like a mediator, she could have helped each sister achieve 100% of what they wanted, rather than 50%.

This story offers a simple analogy regarding the importance of understanding what’s going on below the surface of a conflict and it can be applied to any disagreement, large or small. The next time you find yourself feeling stuck in the middle of a conflict, remember the moral of the story and try to follow this roadmap to a successful resolution:

1) First, agree to have a conversation to explore the issues, assumptions and feelings involved. Relationships are built one conversation at a time. By agreeing to sit down and talk things out, you have the opportunity to chart a new course and a better direction for that relationship.

2) Next, take time to clarify the situation to get both perspectives squarely out in the open. It is important to acknowledge the impact of the conflict, then model new ways to make amends. Try to focus attention on identifying the substantial issues and then break those down into separate pieces. Remember; be hard on the problem and easy on the people.

3) As issues surface, generate options that can potentially satisfy the underlying needs of both people. You don’t always have to have something brilliant to propose; just start getting supportive ideas on the table.

4) And finally, as agreements begin to form, commit to a resolution and discuss how the solution can be implemented quickly and effectively.

This road map can take you from avoiding problems to achieving solutions. Imagine what’s possible if we all started thinking like mediators!