In a recent coaching session I worked with a client who was in the process of pondering a significant life change. She expressed a deep level of frustration and confusion concerning the direction she should take. The stress of being in limbo seemed to only add to the urgency and frustration of her situation. At stake was the classic choice of “taking the leap” vs. “staying put and playing it safe”.
Rather than keeping the conversation at the intellectual level, I shifted directions and asked her what she noticed when she imagined saying yes and moving forward with the decision. I then asked her what she noticed about her body language, tone of voice and general mood when she pondered the no decision.
After a few minutes of reflecting, she said “When I think about the yes decision, I become excited…I feel energetic and alive…and I straighten right up…When I imagine saying no, I slump down a bit and I feel tired and frustrated”. Following up I asked her what she thought her physiology was telling her that her brain could not. At this point, she got the breakthrough that she was looking for and made her decision. I don’t think she would have arrived at that point unless she stopped to notice the subtle signs that were all around her.
How do you determine the critical choices you need to make in life? Perhaps the more practical decisions are informed by what you can rationally decide through your own assumptions, logic and reasoning. But what about those tricky decisions that tie you up in knots and leave you stranded at the crossroads?
If you are at a juncture in life where you want to make a change or decision of some kind, it’s important to avoid an all too familiar trap that distracts us from noticing the important, but subtle pieces of the puzzle. I call this distraction “expecting a revelation”. It’s the expectation that we must have a “big discovery” or a “life-changing confirmation” in the form of a lighting bolt, which will somehow illuminate the path forward. By setting our sights on this big moment in the sky, unfortunately we can miss the opportunity to notice the stream of quieter moments that often hold the key we’re waiting on.
If you’re hoping to find a way through a conflict, tune in to an inner gut feeling about a decision you need to make, or discover a path toward reaching your goals, following these steps may help you notice that the answer is right in front of you:
- First, make a conscious choice to set aside the analysis and self-talk in order to listen for something new;
- Next, take a few minutes to simply listen to what you feel as you reflect on the various aspects of the issue or decision you’re faced with – there’s no need to label or interpret the feelings at this point, the goal is to become aware of them;
- Next, think about moving along a continuum from 1) unconscious awareness about your thoughts and feelings to 2) noticing, then to 3) focused attention on the insights behind your thoughts and feelings; and
- Finally, because it’s usually the internal obstacles that hold us up more than the external ones, bring intentional focus and attention on any remaining concerns or doubts. Noticing and focusing on these can reveal new understanding, angles and insights that you can then integrate it into your larger process of decision-making.
At the end of the day, we have a measure of choice and control over what we are aware of, but what we are unaware of controls us. To access the subtle insights that can help you navigate the day-to-day relationships, interactions and decisions you’re faced with, try the simple act of noticing and becoming more aware of the feelings and impulses of your experience. They will inform your actions and decisions in positive ways. Imagine what’s possible when we focus our attention on the little things that allow us to notice the breakthrough we seek.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
New Pod Casts
Check out the three latest additions to the Breaking Barriers podcast! Download them free on iTunes and enjoy the fresh ideas and insights for success at work, at home and in life.
Whitewashing - Put down the to-do list and thing about what really matters.
Pain is Changeful - Don't waste one ounce of painful change.
Inability to Let Go of the Past - There is nothing quite as strong as the gravitational pull of the past.
Whitewashing - Put down the to-do list and thing about what really matters.
Pain is Changeful - Don't waste one ounce of painful change.
Inability to Let Go of the Past - There is nothing quite as strong as the gravitational pull of the past.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Make the Most of Every Complaint
Complaining has gotten a bad wrap. Just today I saw a bumper sticker that said “Stop Global Whining” – a coy reference to everything that is annoying about complaining (and complainers), yet a statement that overlooks the fact that every complaint holds the potential for something powerful - an opportunity for real change.
A complaint is like the tip of an iceberg – it is a small representation of something bigger that exists below the visible surface. While complaints often appear to be simple, negative reactions, they are also a sign of things that matter to us. Revealing what is below the surface of our complaints can help us connect to what matters most.
Psychologists Robert Kegan and Lisa Laskow Lahey provide insight into the way our surface-level complaints represent something powerful when they say: “We would not complain about anything unless we cared about something.” During a recent conversation with a coaching client who shared a significant complaint with me, I used an activity based on Kegan and Lahey’s work to help him follow the path of his complaint to his underlying values and priorities.
- His complaint, which was said with equal parts venom and hopelessness, went something like this: “I can’t stand it when people talk behind each others’ backs, the constant backbiting and gossip is killing morale”.
- After acknowledging what he said and telling him I appreciated how strongly he felt about it, I asked him to take that complaint and restate it in the form of a commitment – in other words, behind the complaint, what is your commitment? He replied, “Well, I guess I’m committed to more open and direct communication with colleagues at work”.
- Great, I said, now as you think about your commitment, what are you doing or not doing that prevents your commitment from being fully realized? “Um, I don’t speak up when colleagues gossip about others. And, I won’t always speak to a person directly when I have an issue with them.”
- Okay, now looking at your behavior, are you also committed to something else – do you have a competing commitment? After some thought, he replied “Yes, I guess I’m also committed to not being seen as some ‘righteous crusader’, or ‘condescending watchdog’. And, I want people to feel comfortable with me.”
- We discovered that he holds several commitments that are working against each other. Now, I said, when you look at your competing commitments, do you see a big assumption that holds them together? “Yes! I assume that if people do see me as the righteous crusader then they will avoid me, I would eventually become shunned and have no real connections at my office, and then work would become a nightmare.”
In review, I asked him what he noticed about the exercise. Like the many others who I have done this activity with, he was amazed at the way his competing commitments and assumptions had created a frustrating cycle of disappointment. He said, “I’ve been feeling like a whiner, but now I can see my convictions and use those in a more productive way”.
Rather than looking outward and blaming others for his dissatisfaction, he had a new framework to observe his own internal choices that contributed to his complaint. The next time you complain, try to follow it below the surface and see if it leads you to what matters most.
A complaint is like the tip of an iceberg – it is a small representation of something bigger that exists below the visible surface. While complaints often appear to be simple, negative reactions, they are also a sign of things that matter to us. Revealing what is below the surface of our complaints can help us connect to what matters most.
Psychologists Robert Kegan and Lisa Laskow Lahey provide insight into the way our surface-level complaints represent something powerful when they say: “We would not complain about anything unless we cared about something.” During a recent conversation with a coaching client who shared a significant complaint with me, I used an activity based on Kegan and Lahey’s work to help him follow the path of his complaint to his underlying values and priorities.
- His complaint, which was said with equal parts venom and hopelessness, went something like this: “I can’t stand it when people talk behind each others’ backs, the constant backbiting and gossip is killing morale”.
- After acknowledging what he said and telling him I appreciated how strongly he felt about it, I asked him to take that complaint and restate it in the form of a commitment – in other words, behind the complaint, what is your commitment? He replied, “Well, I guess I’m committed to more open and direct communication with colleagues at work”.
- Great, I said, now as you think about your commitment, what are you doing or not doing that prevents your commitment from being fully realized? “Um, I don’t speak up when colleagues gossip about others. And, I won’t always speak to a person directly when I have an issue with them.”
- Okay, now looking at your behavior, are you also committed to something else – do you have a competing commitment? After some thought, he replied “Yes, I guess I’m also committed to not being seen as some ‘righteous crusader’, or ‘condescending watchdog’. And, I want people to feel comfortable with me.”
- We discovered that he holds several commitments that are working against each other. Now, I said, when you look at your competing commitments, do you see a big assumption that holds them together? “Yes! I assume that if people do see me as the righteous crusader then they will avoid me, I would eventually become shunned and have no real connections at my office, and then work would become a nightmare.”
In review, I asked him what he noticed about the exercise. Like the many others who I have done this activity with, he was amazed at the way his competing commitments and assumptions had created a frustrating cycle of disappointment. He said, “I’ve been feeling like a whiner, but now I can see my convictions and use those in a more productive way”.
Rather than looking outward and blaming others for his dissatisfaction, he had a new framework to observe his own internal choices that contributed to his complaint. The next time you complain, try to follow it below the surface and see if it leads you to what matters most.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Composure Under Pressure
In sports, an indispensable key to success is the ability to maintain composure and execute your objectives in the face of intense pressure. I can still hear the surly words of my college lacrosse coach as I’m being surrounded by three aggressive defenders: “Sostrin, composure! You dictate where you’re going, not the other way around!”
This lesson from sports is quite applicable to our experiences in the workplace – particularly in today’s age of rapid change, shrinking resources and increasing demands. Rather than being reactive and letting the onslaught of challenging circumstances dictate our course, we can keep our composure and remain focused on our goals and objectives.
Challenges to our composure are everywhere. Anytime we experience a disagreement or conflict, a clash of personality, external pressures like tight timelines and tight budgets, or anytime someone else makes us the object of their unhappiness, the pressure is on. I would argue that composure is one of the most underrated traits of successful managers and employees and that if we cultivate it intentionally we can improve our success.
When we lose our composure, our attitudes and behaviors recede into a realm of reactionary, often personality driven behaviors. Rather than assertively working toward a solution, our flustered and disjointed actions can inflame the situation and ultimately take more energy than just dealing with the problem directly. Our composure can unravel in the moment when our knee-jerk reactions and self-talk turn negative. Thoughts such as “This hassle is the last thing I need right now…I don’t deserve this aggravation…and I shouldn’t have to be dealing with this right now” are personal reactions that distract from the challenge at hand and may do more to psych us out of proactive action than the issue itself.
If you need it, go ahead and give yourself a minute to sulk and feel like things aren’t fair. But once that minute of indulgence has passed, breathe deep and let it go, accepting the situation as it is for what it is. While some people seem to effortlessly exude cool, calm and collected attitudes, others need to work a little harder on it. Either way, consistently maintaining our composure is something we can all do. The following tips will help you step up when it’s crunch time crunch:
- Give yourself a minute to vent and collect yourself;
- Assess the situation objectively and don’t let your own or someone else’s personal reaction cloud things;
- Gather all relevant information to understand the issue;
- Look at the deeper root cause of the problem and don’t get distracted by emotional interpretations of it; and
- Lead by example and take simple, focused action on what can be influenced.
You can tell you are composed when you breathe easily, remain centered and acknowledge the pressure and challenge of the moment without adding to it with your own angst. Keeping your composure is not only a key for your own individual success, but by example it can also inspire confidence in others. Imagine what’s possible when we rise to the occasion and keep our composure when the pressure is on.
This lesson from sports is quite applicable to our experiences in the workplace – particularly in today’s age of rapid change, shrinking resources and increasing demands. Rather than being reactive and letting the onslaught of challenging circumstances dictate our course, we can keep our composure and remain focused on our goals and objectives.
Challenges to our composure are everywhere. Anytime we experience a disagreement or conflict, a clash of personality, external pressures like tight timelines and tight budgets, or anytime someone else makes us the object of their unhappiness, the pressure is on. I would argue that composure is one of the most underrated traits of successful managers and employees and that if we cultivate it intentionally we can improve our success.
When we lose our composure, our attitudes and behaviors recede into a realm of reactionary, often personality driven behaviors. Rather than assertively working toward a solution, our flustered and disjointed actions can inflame the situation and ultimately take more energy than just dealing with the problem directly. Our composure can unravel in the moment when our knee-jerk reactions and self-talk turn negative. Thoughts such as “This hassle is the last thing I need right now…I don’t deserve this aggravation…and I shouldn’t have to be dealing with this right now” are personal reactions that distract from the challenge at hand and may do more to psych us out of proactive action than the issue itself.
If you need it, go ahead and give yourself a minute to sulk and feel like things aren’t fair. But once that minute of indulgence has passed, breathe deep and let it go, accepting the situation as it is for what it is. While some people seem to effortlessly exude cool, calm and collected attitudes, others need to work a little harder on it. Either way, consistently maintaining our composure is something we can all do. The following tips will help you step up when it’s crunch time crunch:
- Give yourself a minute to vent and collect yourself;
- Assess the situation objectively and don’t let your own or someone else’s personal reaction cloud things;
- Gather all relevant information to understand the issue;
- Look at the deeper root cause of the problem and don’t get distracted by emotional interpretations of it; and
- Lead by example and take simple, focused action on what can be influenced.
You can tell you are composed when you breathe easily, remain centered and acknowledge the pressure and challenge of the moment without adding to it with your own angst. Keeping your composure is not only a key for your own individual success, but by example it can also inspire confidence in others. Imagine what’s possible when we rise to the occasion and keep our composure when the pressure is on.
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