Happy New Year!

Don't forget to visit the Breaking Barriers blog every Monday to get the latest updates. The 2009 edition will resume on Monday January 12, 2009. January will begin with a powerful 4-part series focused on managing/leading in tough times. Don't miss a thing!

“Change Your Routine”

If you’ve ever tried to break a habit at work or in your personal life, then you know how difficult it can be to get out of a pattern and start a new routine. Despite this difficulty, there are some routines that are worth changing. In prior posts I have written about ways in which we sometimes project outward attitudes that are then contradicted by our own choices and behaviors. In this vein, defensive routines are important habits to examine.

A defensive routine is like a mixed-message, which over time blinds people to its contradictory nature and is seen simply as the truth. This welcomed conundrum is a sort of double-bind, which is maintained as a means of preventing embarrassment, avoiding a perceived threat or awkward situation, maintaining the status quo and avoiding unwanted change. As these messages are institutionalized over time, they can take on the force of a cultural taboo, making an honest dialogue about them off limits.

It is important to note that these defensive routines represent dynamic and complicated behaviors and require a certain level of what Chris Argyris calls "skilled incompetence”. Essentially, even though one individual may know that another person is also aware of an issue that is a problem of mutual concern, they both choose to act as though neither of the parties knows anything. They both may do this in a skilled manner in order to perpetuate a believable cover-up. The very attitudes and behaviors that support these cover-ups are an example of a defensive routine and over time they serve to prevent the learning that is necessary to bring about both individual and organizational changes for improvement. If you think you are experiencing a defensive routine, answer these four questions to see what is happening at a deeper level.

* Are you or others sending a message that is inconsistent?
* Are you or others acting as if the message is not inconsistent?
* Are you or others in any way making this inconsistency undiscussable?
* And, are you or others making the pretense that there is no inconsistency, or that it is discussable?

If you answered yes to one or more of the above questions, perhaps you are in the midst of a defensive routine. If you discover the presence of a defensive routine, it is critical to fully understand what it is and then devise a way to address it. No individual, team or organization is immune to developing defensive routines and it is important not to let responses to them include simple quick fixes or band-aid solutions. As a way to avoid developing or sustaining such routines, individuals can begin to practice more open communication by making it acceptable to freely and respectfully question interpersonal dynamics or business practices.

Once an environment of openness is established, there is an activity that can promote discussion about the nature of the defensive routine. Often called the “left-hand/right-hand column”, individuals focus on the identified problem, and then use a blank page to reveal things that they say and things that they think about the issue. After writing a brief description of the defensive routine as they see it, they begin in the right-hand column where they write down exactly what they have said about the situation. Then, in the left-hand column, they write down things that they think but do not say or act upon. The following questions can be discussed in order to contrast the difference between the two columns:

1. What factors have led me to think and feel this way?
2. What was my intention and what was I really hoping to accomplish?
3. How might my comments have contributed to the difficulties?
4. Why didn't I say or act upon what was in my left-hand column?
5. What assumptions might I be making about the other person or people involved?
6. What are the costs of operating this way? What are the payoffs?
7. How can I use my left-hand column to improve my communication and behavior on this issue?

Although it can take time and energy, identifying and addressing these defensive routines can accelerate the learning process and help us achieve our goals more consistently. Imagine what’s possible when we drop our defensive routines and take risks to learn the very things that can help us discover new kinds of success.

A Simple Tool To Help You GROW

Are you a supervisor, manager or leader who is responsible for people in your organization? Are you a parent, volunteer or support person who wants to help others succeed without "acting like a boss"? If you fall into either of these groups, there is a simple but very effective tool that you can use to get the most out of people by improving decision-making and problem-solving skills in a quick, but meaningful way. It is called the GROW model and it is a well-proven technique that was originally developed by Mark Landsberg.

The GROW model is an acronym for the words Goal, Reality, Options and Wrap-up. When used as a series of questions, the GROW model can help give structure to a conversation that enables a person create the deep and clear awareness needed to understand their challenge. It can also inspire the responsibility for personal choice as well as the focused next steps needed to improve the situation.

Here's an example of using the GROW model: Tim is a young professional who is very successful in his job as a financial analyst. The skills that help him to offer great service to his clients, namely decisiveness, attention to detail and commitment to analytical research, proved not to be so helpful in his role as a volunteer recreational soccer coach. After getting some disappointing feedback from a few of the parents, Tim wanted to sort through his approach to coaching the team and make sure that being a great role model was always his number one priority. We used the GROW model to frame the conversation and it went something like this:

- Jesse: Tim, what's on your mind?

- Tim: I'm frustrated because I'm trying hard to be a good coach for these kids. I never wanted to be seen as someone who pushes too hard and loses sight of fun and good teamwork.

- Jesse: (Goal) Okay, let's talk about your approach to coaching the team. What are your specific goals for our conversation today? What would you like to be different as a result of what we discuss?

- Tim: Well, I would like to find a way to remind myself about what's important to me. I don't want to let the competitive juices distract me. And, I'd like to interact more with parents to gain their trust.

- Jesse: (Reality) Alright, let's take a look at the reality of the situation. Focusing on the last game, what happened? What effects did this behavior have on the kids, parents and other spectators?

- Tim: It was a tied game and I yelled at a player because she fell down but didn't get up quickly. I just wanted to encourage her, but it came out as real negative. One of the parents started yelling to her 'that's okay; if you're hurt take your time'. It was like we were competing with our comments.

- Jesse: (Options) What alternative choices do you have in this situation? What do you think will be your challenges with doing things differently?

- Tim: I need to remember that safety, fun and good teamwork come first and that the tone and words I chose should always reflect that. The challenge will be to not let the adrenaline take over.

- Jesse: (Wrap-up) Okay, what are the next steps you would like to commit to? What support do you need to help you stay focused on them?

- Tim: I'll ask my assistant coach to help me stay positive by letting me know that we need to take a time out when things get too tense. I'm also going to start a new tradition, after each game I'm going to give out a "game ball" to the player that showed the most sportsmanship. I'm going to invite the parents to get in the circle with us so they are a part of this positive experience.

Following this discussion, Tim reported that his new approach to coaching has also helped him maintain better balance during the work week too. Using the GROW model proved to be a simple, but very useful tool to help him understand the challenge and find ways to improve the situation. Imagine what's possible when we take steps to GROW!

“Get Comfortable With Contradictions”

Be honest, when you woke up this morning the first question you asked yourself was what can I learn from Chinese dialectical epistemology? After your coffee, you rushed to your computer to scour the web for any answers you could get your hands on…

Chances are you probably didn’t wake up with that question rattling around in your head; but thankfully others have and there are some very interesting and potentially helpful insights to consider. The translation of these 50 cent words is simply this: the world is becoming more and more complex and as a result our daily lives are filled with inherent contradictions and conflicts that require a new kind of thinking to successfully manage them. Dialectical thinking means that we make room for alternative points of view or truths when considering a given experience in our daily lives.

Here’s a classic example: An individual may have a moral opposition to killing; however, they may also silently applaud a peaceful person’s effort to switch off the life-support of a spouse who is suffering beyond relief from terminal illness. In this example, how can both be true? Is the person a walking contradiction of their own values?

In the workplace, a supervisor is committed to the fair treatment of all employees regarding standard policies and procedures. Despite the fact that no employee is permitted to take time off without a written request at least two weeks in advance, the supervisor approves time off for an employee that urgently requests time due to an unforeseen and urgent family matter. Does this choice make the boss an unfair person? As a result has she compromised her integrity as a leader?

These two examples lead us back to the burning question you may or may not have woken up with this morning. There are three principles of Chinese dialectical epistemology that can help us make sense of these conundrums. First, reality is a dynamic process of continuous change. Second, reality is always full of ambiguity and contradiction. And third, everything is connected to everything else. These three Eastern principles contradict more Western ways of thinking that suggest everything is what it is (A = A) and because of the law of noncontradiction, no statement can be both true and false. Because dialectical thinking is not a convenient set of rules or principles as such, however, it can be harder to understand.

Embracing dialectical thinking is not to suggest that our closest values and principles should be rationalized away in a given situation. Instead, if we are able to use formal logic and Western thinking for basic problem solving (i.e. finding misplaced car keys), dialectical thinking will be more helpful with big-picture questions that touch as at a deeper level. Although they may be confusing, living with these contradictions can expose our deeper motivations, values and choices and may help us to identify what is really going on in a given situation.

Recognizing the continuous flow of change and the interconnectedness of situations also helps us to focus on the big picture and long-term impact of our decisions. Dialectical thinking can be helpful in a variety of everyday experiences. When faced with a really confusing situation, sometimes it feels better just to state the contradiction out loud. By exploring multiple perspectives, we often get out from under the pressure to find the one “right answer” and can find the most reasonable reconciliation of diverse options. Imagine what’s possible when we get comfortable with contradictions and seek the best answers to problems.

“How to Bring Out the Best in Others When All You See is Their Worst”

There’s nothing better than hanging up the phone or walking out of a meeting when the person you worked with not only did their job, but they made it easier for you to do yours too. Unfortunately, the reason it feels so refreshing is because it doesn’t happen very often. Too frequently our interactions with associates, customer service reps and clients result in disappointment and ineffective outcomes.

Working with difficult people is a defining experience for all of us. It’s a universal occurrence for everyone because we interpret behavior differently and at some point, each of us becomes the difficult person to someone else. For those who are good communicators and consistently courteous, it may be a bad day here and there. For others who have significant challenges with interpersonal effectiveness, they may not ever ‘play nice’.

Arrogant, smug, condescending, patronizing, inept, sarcastic, blasé, uninformed – these words are often used to describe the behavior and/or personality of a difficult person. Despite the fact that it can feel intentional, many difficult people are simply producing behaviors from the negative side of their personality. In other words, we’re working with them when they are not operating from their strengths. Understanding what makes people feel difficult to us often makes it less frustrating to deal with them. When we encounter a difficult person, one of the best things we can do is to observe how we are triggered by them and take personal responsibility for shifting the interaction to a more positive place.

How can we turn the tide when we get off on the wrong foot with a person? How can we make progress when it seems a person’s only objective is to prevent it? And, how can we inspire others to think and act in more helpful ways? Consider the following strategies to help bring out the best in others when all you see is their worst:

When There Is Confusion
When a situation turns negative, often there is some degree of confusion or miscommunication involved. Before things get worse, ask the person to clarify their understanding of the situation. Listen respectfully to de-escalate emotions and then offer your perspective. Use it as an opportunity to be crystal clear about the situation.

When It Is A Question Of Motivation
It’s not our responsibility to help other people enjoy their lives or like their jobs. However, human nature is a blend of complex emotions and at times we have to know how to motivate others to help us. If they do not offer to provide the support you need, find a way to connect with this person to motivate them to work with you.

When It Is A Question Of Skill
When the skill level required to complete a task is too far out in front of a person’s ability, they can often be stretched to the point of negative stress and defensive action. To avoid exacerbating the situation, attempt to balance the skill gap with your own abilities, or attempt to work with someone who possesses the necessary knowledge and skills.

If They Become Defensive
If you anticipate that the person will react defensively, avoid interrogating questions and try to describe the problem/request in more objective terms. Use non-blaming language, remain calm, keep a sense of humor if you can, and try to make it a mutual problem to solve. Always be tough on the problem and easy on the people.

If You Feel Like Giving Up On Them
Don’t give up on a person too soon! There are some people that are difficult to work with no matter what approach you take, however, most people are not like that. Facing an initial obstacle or road block does not warrant the conclusion that ‘I just can’t work with this person’.

The next time you interact with a difficult person, hang in there and take the high road whenever you can. Imagine what’s possible if we all brought out the best in others when all we saw was their worst.