This time of year many of us are thinking about changes we want to make in our lives. As with any goal or desire for change, it is important to understand that the way that we think about a topic largely influences our approach to taking action. Before you begin thinking about your New Year’s Resolutions in earnest, let’s stop and think about it for a minute.
Whatever we call them – errors in reasoning, thinking fallacies, cognitive biases, smoke screens, , etc. – there are a number of thinking mistakes that serve as common traps for us when considering, planning, and deciding things in the course of our lives. A great resource to learn more about the most common thinking fallacies is Don Lindsay’s website: http://www.don-lindsay-archive.org/. Here are a few of the most interesting thinking errors that I observe when working with people who are trying to resolve an issue or make a change.
Anchoring Bias occurs when a person sets a standard, regardless of its reasonableness. Once they set that standard, they are anchored to it and are unable to move past the constraints it brings. For example, if a person declares that they “have to lose 50 pounds this year”; they may get stuck on that unrealistic number. Losing weight may be healthy for them, but the actual number of pounds they lose may be less of a priority.
A False Dilemma occurs when only two opposing choices are presented as an “either or” solution. Although there may be other choices, the false dilemma directs us to buy into only one of the opposing options while excluding a middle ground. Saying “I need to move up in this company, or move out” is an example of a false dilemma because it does not acknowledge the possibility of incremental or alternative outcomes.
A Double Bind occurs when a person holds two contradictory pieces of information. “Let’s plan more spontaneous get togethers” is an example of a double bind because it leaves the person in an impossible, contradictory situation. No matter how hard they might try, they can never plan spontaneity.
A False Cause Fallacy assumes that just because event B follows event A, event B was therefore caused by event A. For example, “Last year a colleague got his Master’s degree and then got promoted. This year I will earn my Master’s degree so that I too will get promoted”. This is a false cause fallacy because it does not consider the fact that the colleague may have performed better and/or done additional things (beyond getting a graduate degree) to earn the promotion.
Filtering or Confirmation Bias is where a person consciously or unconsciously overlooks or avoids information that contradicts what they already believe or confirms something that they want to believe. Filtering makes it hard for us to take in valuable feedback, which is often needed to adjust our approach to achieving goals.
The Overconfidence Effect occurs when a person over estimates their ability to achieve a given level of performance in an activity. Despite the perception that many people lack confidence, it is human nature to believe in one’s behavior and abilities beyond what is realistic. This can result in risk taking behaviors such as setting very high goals and persisting in a failing course of action where the expected outcome is poor.
These and other common thinking errors such as blaming, catastrophic thinking, justifying and assuming often occur so frequently that it can be difficult to detect them. If you notice that your own thought patterns are affected by one or more of the above errors, try to observe your own thinking process to more fully understand the way you arrive at your conclusions. This observation may help to expose patterns of thought that are no longer useful to you.
Imagine what’s possible when our thinking untangles complex situations and leads us to clearer decision making and attainable goals.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
PART FOUR OF FOUR: “Domestic Diplomats”
Thank you for returning to the “Breaking Barriers” blog for Part 4 of this 4-part series. The series, Domestic Diplomats, is designed to support women in their roles as working parents, committed homemakers and involved citizens. If you missed any of the previous posts, you can find them on the blog by scrolling down toward the bottom of the home page.
Part 1 began with identifying the underlying patterns that get us off track; Part 2 identified some of the specific barriers that hold us back, while Part 3 discussed three important strategies to address barriers. Part 4 will describe more practical tools to help you succeed.
..................................................................................
If you have spent any time implementing some of the breaking barriers strategies that have been discussed in the first three parts of this series, you may have come face to face with the challenge of meeting the day-to-day demands of your life while finding additional energy to put into your own personal and professional development. The push and pull of thinking big and acting small can strain our ability to be poised, communicate assertively and manage emotional conflict effectively. These are the three hallmarks of a successful Domestic Diplomat and the following reminders can help you improve in these areas:
Stay Poised and Keep Your Composure -
Challenges to our composure are everywhere, however, maintaining composure is one of the most underrated traits of successful “Domestic Diplomats.” When we lose our composure, our attitudes and behaviors recede into a realm of reactionary, often personality driven behaviors. Rather than assertively working toward a solution, our flustered and disjointed actions can inflame the situation and ultimately take more energy than just dealing with the problem directly. The following tips will help you step up and stay cool when it’s crunch time:
- Give yourself a minute to vent and collect yourself;
- Assess the situation objectively and don’t let your own or someone else’s personal reaction cloud things;
- Gather all relevant information to understand the issue;
- Look at the deeper root cause of the problem and don’t get distracted by emotional interpretations of it; and
- Lead by example and take simple, focused action on what can be influenced.
You can tell you are composed when you breathe easily, remain centered and acknowledge the pressure and challenge of the moment without adding to it with your own angst. Keeping your composure is not only a key for your own individual success, but by example it can also inspire confidence in others.
Communicate Assertively -
Our personal and professional success can be measured in large part by the quality of our relationships. Our relationships flourish and decline one conversation at a time and the artfulness and courage to have these conversations in positive, constructive ways gives us an immediate opportunity to reach greater levels of success in all aspects of our lives. Communicating assertively in our everyday conversations can help us avoid the pent up frustration of things left unsaid or misunderstood. The following conversation guide can help you communicate effectively in a variety of circumstances:
- Describe the situation, including specific behaviors, in objective terms
- Put words to your feelings and express the impact of the situation
- Make a clear request and state what you want
- Ask for a response
Prior to the conversation, determine what an ideal time and place is and who needs to be a part of the conversation. And if you can, practice the conversation out loud by walking through each of the four steps.
Successfully Manage Emotional Conflict –
When it comes to emotional conflict, the core friction emerges when people differ in their expectations of each other. Or, put another way, emotional conflict occurs whenever our expectations are left unmet. “Domestic Diplomats” are often surrounded by emotional conflict in the workplace, at home and in social settings because we often don’t live up to the expectations we have for each other (incidentally, we usually don’t express what our expectations are, but that is the subject of another blog post).
When our expectations aren’t met by the world, disappointment is often the first emotion we experience. Among other things, the challenge with emotional conflict is that it can spawn other disruptive emotional reactions like fear, anxiety and guilt. As positive feelings that help connect us to others are replaced by pessimism, resentment and anger, the cumulative effects of emotional conflict can erode happiness, productivity and satisfaction in relationships. Here are a few ideas that may work for you if you find yourself bogged down in an emotional conflict:
- Tune in and understand the emotion you are feeling
- Take ownership for your own unmet expectations and tell the person how you feel without blaming them (anger/resentment are secondary emotions, so acknowledge these feelings and let them go)
- Clearly state your expectation and make a positive request that it be met
As both people exchange ideas about solutions to move forward, the chances for success grow.
In summary, keeping your composure, communicating assertively and proactively managing emotional conflict are three important traits of successful “Domestic Diplomats.” If you can do these three things well, you will be able to maintain a focus on breaking barriers without getting sidetracked by unnecessary interpersonal issues. In addition, you will create an environment for yourself that is much more for receptive to personal growth. Good luck in your journey to become a successful Domestic Diplomat – the world needs you!
Thank you for joining me and the more than 450 readers who followed this four-part series. As always, don’t forget to visit the Breaking Barriers blog each Monday for new posts, polls and other great ready-to-use insights.
Part 1 began with identifying the underlying patterns that get us off track; Part 2 identified some of the specific barriers that hold us back, while Part 3 discussed three important strategies to address barriers. Part 4 will describe more practical tools to help you succeed.
..................................................................................
If you have spent any time implementing some of the breaking barriers strategies that have been discussed in the first three parts of this series, you may have come face to face with the challenge of meeting the day-to-day demands of your life while finding additional energy to put into your own personal and professional development. The push and pull of thinking big and acting small can strain our ability to be poised, communicate assertively and manage emotional conflict effectively. These are the three hallmarks of a successful Domestic Diplomat and the following reminders can help you improve in these areas:
Stay Poised and Keep Your Composure -
Challenges to our composure are everywhere, however, maintaining composure is one of the most underrated traits of successful “Domestic Diplomats.” When we lose our composure, our attitudes and behaviors recede into a realm of reactionary, often personality driven behaviors. Rather than assertively working toward a solution, our flustered and disjointed actions can inflame the situation and ultimately take more energy than just dealing with the problem directly. The following tips will help you step up and stay cool when it’s crunch time:
- Give yourself a minute to vent and collect yourself;
- Assess the situation objectively and don’t let your own or someone else’s personal reaction cloud things;
- Gather all relevant information to understand the issue;
- Look at the deeper root cause of the problem and don’t get distracted by emotional interpretations of it; and
- Lead by example and take simple, focused action on what can be influenced.
You can tell you are composed when you breathe easily, remain centered and acknowledge the pressure and challenge of the moment without adding to it with your own angst. Keeping your composure is not only a key for your own individual success, but by example it can also inspire confidence in others.
Communicate Assertively -
Our personal and professional success can be measured in large part by the quality of our relationships. Our relationships flourish and decline one conversation at a time and the artfulness and courage to have these conversations in positive, constructive ways gives us an immediate opportunity to reach greater levels of success in all aspects of our lives. Communicating assertively in our everyday conversations can help us avoid the pent up frustration of things left unsaid or misunderstood. The following conversation guide can help you communicate effectively in a variety of circumstances:
- Describe the situation, including specific behaviors, in objective terms
- Put words to your feelings and express the impact of the situation
- Make a clear request and state what you want
- Ask for a response
Prior to the conversation, determine what an ideal time and place is and who needs to be a part of the conversation. And if you can, practice the conversation out loud by walking through each of the four steps.
Successfully Manage Emotional Conflict –
When it comes to emotional conflict, the core friction emerges when people differ in their expectations of each other. Or, put another way, emotional conflict occurs whenever our expectations are left unmet. “Domestic Diplomats” are often surrounded by emotional conflict in the workplace, at home and in social settings because we often don’t live up to the expectations we have for each other (incidentally, we usually don’t express what our expectations are, but that is the subject of another blog post).
When our expectations aren’t met by the world, disappointment is often the first emotion we experience. Among other things, the challenge with emotional conflict is that it can spawn other disruptive emotional reactions like fear, anxiety and guilt. As positive feelings that help connect us to others are replaced by pessimism, resentment and anger, the cumulative effects of emotional conflict can erode happiness, productivity and satisfaction in relationships. Here are a few ideas that may work for you if you find yourself bogged down in an emotional conflict:
- Tune in and understand the emotion you are feeling
- Take ownership for your own unmet expectations and tell the person how you feel without blaming them (anger/resentment are secondary emotions, so acknowledge these feelings and let them go)
- Clearly state your expectation and make a positive request that it be met
As both people exchange ideas about solutions to move forward, the chances for success grow.
In summary, keeping your composure, communicating assertively and proactively managing emotional conflict are three important traits of successful “Domestic Diplomats.” If you can do these three things well, you will be able to maintain a focus on breaking barriers without getting sidetracked by unnecessary interpersonal issues. In addition, you will create an environment for yourself that is much more for receptive to personal growth. Good luck in your journey to become a successful Domestic Diplomat – the world needs you!
Thank you for joining me and the more than 450 readers who followed this four-part series. As always, don’t forget to visit the Breaking Barriers blog each Monday for new posts, polls and other great ready-to-use insights.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
PART THREE OF FOUR: “Domestic Diplomats”
Thank you for returning to the “Breaking Barriers” blog for Part 3 of this 4-part series. The series, Domestic Diplomats, is designed to support women in their roles as working parents, committed homemakers and involved citizens. If you missed any of the previous posts, you can find them on the blog by scrolling down toward the bottom of the home page.
Part 1 began with identifying the underlying patterns and barriers that get us off track and keep us out of balance. This introduction laid the foundation for being a successful Domestic Diplomat. Part 2 picked up their and identified some of the specific barriers that hold us back. Now, in Part 3 we get serious about change.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Okay, now that we have identified some of the specific barriers that challenge us in our day-to-day lives, what next? First and foremost, it’s time to shift your thinking!
There are three important steps that you can take to change the way you think about your barriers. If you make these three shifts, you have the opportunity to continuously learn and make progress on your goals. Whether you are focusing on being a more effective professional, a dedicated mother and wife, or to spend more time focusing on you, making the following three shifts can help you get there.
Shift #1: Before We Can Change, We Have To Become Aware
The pace of modern life can keep us in constant “catch up” mode. Without time to reflect and integrate new learning, we are bound to the same recurring patterns of experience. As we discussed in Part 1, just as our patterns of experience bring us face to face with our barriers, they can also divert us from seeing them for what they are and taking practical steps to address them.
Therefore, the first shift you can make is a commitment to become aware of your attitudes, behaviors and decision-making processes that guide you. Becoming aware is not the same as forming an opinion about what you see. Too many times when we are taking steps in our personal and professional development we “rush to judge” ourselves. This judgment can come with strong emotions, which often blind us from seeing what is really going on. Only by seeing clearly can we identify what exactly is or isn’t working for us in a given situation. Because awareness is the key to making change, we have to have an observer’s eye and steadily examine and learn from what we notice.
Shift #2: Barriers Mark Our Pathway To Change
In Part 2 we discussed several of the common examples of barriers that women experience as they juggle their roles and responsibilities. As you read through the list, did some of those barriers hit home with you? What was your first reaction; to want to get rid of them? Many of us look at our barriers as negative traits or extra baggage to get rid of, to avoid or to use as justification for negative self-talk about ourselves. However, if we simply try to run from or avoid our barriers we miss a critical opportunity.
Instead of avoiding barriers, if we make the second important shift and look at our barriers as signposts that can map the way to positive change, we can exploit them as a useful guide for improvement. For example, if we notice that we tend to “Do The Wrong Things Right And Leave The Right Things Neglected,” this barrier can point the way toward re-focusing our priorities on what matters most. If we realize that we “Expect More of Ourselves Than Anyone Else,” we are reminded to adjust the unrealistic expectations we hold for ourselves and reduce the anxiety we carry. Regardless of what the barrier is, it will show you where to concentrate your efforts to change.
Shift #3: We Live On A Continuum Of Change
The third shift is subtle, but just as important as the first two. When we consider the change we want to make in our lives, we can sometimes get trapped in “either, or” and “black or white” kinds of absolute thinking. This is counterproductive. Instead, we need to recognize that we all live on a continuum of steady change that keeps us in a constant state of “becoming.”
Now, let’s put all three of the shifts together in a very practical example. Let’s say you’ve become aware of one of your specific barriers – perhaps you do not ask for help and support from others when you really need it. Rather than simply ignoring the behavior, you have recognized that the barrier is showing you an area for potential growth: it marks the pathway to change for you. Now that this new awareness has helped you see an avenue for change, you can use the concept of “a continuum of change” to develop a goal for taking small steps forward.
For instance, ask yourself the scaling question: “On a scale of 1 to 10, where do I put myself on the continuum.” A rank of “1” means that I absolutely never ask for help from anyone while a rank of “10” means that I consistently and appropriately seek help and support from those around me. Now, using the scale of 1 – 10, place yourself at a given point along the continuum. Let’s say for example that you gave yourself a “4”, meaning that less than half of the time you are willing to take the risk of opening up and asking for help. This ranking now offers several teachable moments. For example, what is the result in your life of being a “4?” Are you suffering quietly with a burden you can’t carry alone? Do you have growing seeds of resentment toward those who do not “read your mind” and know that you could use a hand? Are the burden and resentment starting to spill over into other parts of your life? More importantly, if you are not content staying at a “4,” what would it take to become a 5 or even a 6 or 7? What one or two practical steps could you take beginning right now to start moving along the continuum toward your desired goal?
This final question becomes your action plan for growth. It is not feasible to go from 4 to 10 overnight. However, if you commit to a couple of achievable, incremental goals then change is not only realistic, but inevitable. You can see that making these three shifts and following similar self-guided questions can open up opportunities to address your barriers and create focused change. The path toward becoming an effective Domestic Diplomat requires that you make these shifts. Once you do, you are ready for the final installment of this series.
Visit the Breaking Barriers blog next Monday for Part 4 of this series, which will help you focus on the communication and conflict resolution skills that will help you excel as a successful Domestic Diplomat. In the meantime, your homework is to notice one barrier that surfaces throughout your experience this week. Rather than judging it, just become aware of what it is and what it creates in your life. Next, shift your thinking in order to look at that barrier as something that points toward change, rather than something unwanted to get rid of. And finally, place yourself on a continuum and make a reasonable commitment to move toward the change you want to see.
Part 1 began with identifying the underlying patterns and barriers that get us off track and keep us out of balance. This introduction laid the foundation for being a successful Domestic Diplomat. Part 2 picked up their and identified some of the specific barriers that hold us back. Now, in Part 3 we get serious about change.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Okay, now that we have identified some of the specific barriers that challenge us in our day-to-day lives, what next? First and foremost, it’s time to shift your thinking!
There are three important steps that you can take to change the way you think about your barriers. If you make these three shifts, you have the opportunity to continuously learn and make progress on your goals. Whether you are focusing on being a more effective professional, a dedicated mother and wife, or to spend more time focusing on you, making the following three shifts can help you get there.
Shift #1: Before We Can Change, We Have To Become Aware
The pace of modern life can keep us in constant “catch up” mode. Without time to reflect and integrate new learning, we are bound to the same recurring patterns of experience. As we discussed in Part 1, just as our patterns of experience bring us face to face with our barriers, they can also divert us from seeing them for what they are and taking practical steps to address them.
Therefore, the first shift you can make is a commitment to become aware of your attitudes, behaviors and decision-making processes that guide you. Becoming aware is not the same as forming an opinion about what you see. Too many times when we are taking steps in our personal and professional development we “rush to judge” ourselves. This judgment can come with strong emotions, which often blind us from seeing what is really going on. Only by seeing clearly can we identify what exactly is or isn’t working for us in a given situation. Because awareness is the key to making change, we have to have an observer’s eye and steadily examine and learn from what we notice.
Shift #2: Barriers Mark Our Pathway To Change
In Part 2 we discussed several of the common examples of barriers that women experience as they juggle their roles and responsibilities. As you read through the list, did some of those barriers hit home with you? What was your first reaction; to want to get rid of them? Many of us look at our barriers as negative traits or extra baggage to get rid of, to avoid or to use as justification for negative self-talk about ourselves. However, if we simply try to run from or avoid our barriers we miss a critical opportunity.
Instead of avoiding barriers, if we make the second important shift and look at our barriers as signposts that can map the way to positive change, we can exploit them as a useful guide for improvement. For example, if we notice that we tend to “Do The Wrong Things Right And Leave The Right Things Neglected,” this barrier can point the way toward re-focusing our priorities on what matters most. If we realize that we “Expect More of Ourselves Than Anyone Else,” we are reminded to adjust the unrealistic expectations we hold for ourselves and reduce the anxiety we carry. Regardless of what the barrier is, it will show you where to concentrate your efforts to change.
Shift #3: We Live On A Continuum Of Change
The third shift is subtle, but just as important as the first two. When we consider the change we want to make in our lives, we can sometimes get trapped in “either, or” and “black or white” kinds of absolute thinking. This is counterproductive. Instead, we need to recognize that we all live on a continuum of steady change that keeps us in a constant state of “becoming.”
Now, let’s put all three of the shifts together in a very practical example. Let’s say you’ve become aware of one of your specific barriers – perhaps you do not ask for help and support from others when you really need it. Rather than simply ignoring the behavior, you have recognized that the barrier is showing you an area for potential growth: it marks the pathway to change for you. Now that this new awareness has helped you see an avenue for change, you can use the concept of “a continuum of change” to develop a goal for taking small steps forward.
For instance, ask yourself the scaling question: “On a scale of 1 to 10, where do I put myself on the continuum.” A rank of “1” means that I absolutely never ask for help from anyone while a rank of “10” means that I consistently and appropriately seek help and support from those around me. Now, using the scale of 1 – 10, place yourself at a given point along the continuum. Let’s say for example that you gave yourself a “4”, meaning that less than half of the time you are willing to take the risk of opening up and asking for help. This ranking now offers several teachable moments. For example, what is the result in your life of being a “4?” Are you suffering quietly with a burden you can’t carry alone? Do you have growing seeds of resentment toward those who do not “read your mind” and know that you could use a hand? Are the burden and resentment starting to spill over into other parts of your life? More importantly, if you are not content staying at a “4,” what would it take to become a 5 or even a 6 or 7? What one or two practical steps could you take beginning right now to start moving along the continuum toward your desired goal?
This final question becomes your action plan for growth. It is not feasible to go from 4 to 10 overnight. However, if you commit to a couple of achievable, incremental goals then change is not only realistic, but inevitable. You can see that making these three shifts and following similar self-guided questions can open up opportunities to address your barriers and create focused change. The path toward becoming an effective Domestic Diplomat requires that you make these shifts. Once you do, you are ready for the final installment of this series.
Visit the Breaking Barriers blog next Monday for Part 4 of this series, which will help you focus on the communication and conflict resolution skills that will help you excel as a successful Domestic Diplomat. In the meantime, your homework is to notice one barrier that surfaces throughout your experience this week. Rather than judging it, just become aware of what it is and what it creates in your life. Next, shift your thinking in order to look at that barrier as something that points toward change, rather than something unwanted to get rid of. And finally, place yourself on a continuum and make a reasonable commitment to move toward the change you want to see.
Monday, November 3, 2008
PART TWO OF FOUR: “Domestic Diplomats”
Thank you for returning to the “Breaking Barriers” blog for Part 2 of this 4-part series. The series, Domestic Diplomats, is designed to support women in their roles as working parents, committed homemakers and involved citizens. If you missed any of the previous posts, you can find them on the blog by scrolling down toward the bottom of the home page.
In Part 1 we began with identifying the underlying patterns and barriers that get us off track and keep us out of balance. This introduction laid the foundation for being a successful Domestic Diplomat. Part 2 picks up where we left off and shifts toward identifying the specific barriers that hold us back.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Last week I provided a snapshot of the “Good Intentions” pattern and the “Repeat Success” patterns as a way of demonstrating how our routines often distract us from taking an honest look at our barriers. Now that each of you understand your own pattern of experience better, identifying your barriers is possible.
In my coaching and consulting experience, I have identified many different barriers that women experience as they negotiate the demands of modern life. Not only can these barriers make people ineffective communicators and problem-solvers, but over time they can prevent us from reaching our larger goals in life. Before we identify some of the most common barriers Domestic Diplomats experience, a few reminders first.
The more familiar we become with our own patterns, the better we will be able to recognize our barriers when they show up. And, as a general rule - when we see a barrier we don't need to rush to "fix it." Instead, we should make friends with it in order to more deeply understand where it comes from and what it creates for us. In that spirit, here are a few of the common barriers that Domestic Diplomats encounter:
1) Not Asking For Help - You can dish it out, but you can't take it. Giving your all to others and not asking for help when you need it most can hold you back. Worse yet, it sometimes makes the help you give seem to come with “guilty strings” attached.
2) Becoming Trapped In Your “To Do List” - Women are usually efficient and productive, however, constantly anticipating the needs of the next situation (packing the diaper back, change of clothes, work out gear, emergency phone numbers, extra lap top, etc.) can get you trapped in anticipation of “what comes next.” Always preparing, but never being present can create a big blind spot.
3) Wishing Or Hoping Things Would Be Different - Being stuck in your thoughts about how things "should be” can keep you from taking proactive steps to make change. Even if you don’t think of yourself as a victim of others, being a victim of “should” can paralyze you and leave you feeling bitter and angry.
4) Expecting More of Yourself Than Anyone Else – When the bar is set so high, the pressure can be unbearable. Sometimes it’s helpful to realize who is holding the bar so high. Bosses, partners, children and friends usually don’t place unrealistic demands on your life – so why do you?
5) Doing The Wrong Things Right And Leaving The Right Things Neglected - Getting the shopping done perfectly well while avoiding that difficult conversation with your husband, girlfriend, etc. can turn your priorities upside down. When we accomplish lesser priorities while avoiding more important needs, we get the illusion of success, at the expense of taking care of what matters most.
6) Change Exhaustion – The pace of life and its many changes can be unrelenting. Too many changes over a short period of time can lead to fatigue and resistance. Because it’s infeasible to stop the flow of change, we have to focus on becoming attached to the things that are lasting, while holding only loosely to the things that are fleeting.
7) Confirmation Bias – When you expect to feel unappreciated, don’t be surprised if you feel unappreciated. Looking for what reinforces our own existing beliefs and expectations gives us a kind of tunnel vision. As a result, we miss out on other possibilities and end up believing what we already assumed was true.
8) Never Truly Letting Go - You finally get to the gym for some “me time” and instead of relaxing into a good workout, you're mind is pacing back and forth between tomorrow’s "to do list" and the dishes in the sink at home. Instead of the rationalized virtue “someone needs to be responsible”, never really letting go becomes a burden that suffocates new ideas and possibilities from your life experience.
9) Expecting People to Read Our Minds (And Being Frustrated When They Don't)– Just because those from Venus are known as the superior communicators on the planet, doesn’t mean you don’t have work to do. You may be pleasantly surprised to find that more of your needs are met when you clearly express your expectations to others.
These are some of the more prominent barriers that I see with women who are juggling commitments at work, at home and in the community. Some of these may speak to you, while others may not. Your homework this week is to use this list as a starting place, and simply notice the barriers you encounter. Now that you are familiar with your pattern (from Part 1), when the barriers show up you will be much better positioned to learn from it.
Visit the Breaking Barriers blog next Monday for Part 3 of this series, which will help you focus on the attitude, behaviors and skills required to become a successful Domestic Diplomat.
In Part 1 we began with identifying the underlying patterns and barriers that get us off track and keep us out of balance. This introduction laid the foundation for being a successful Domestic Diplomat. Part 2 picks up where we left off and shifts toward identifying the specific barriers that hold us back.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Last week I provided a snapshot of the “Good Intentions” pattern and the “Repeat Success” patterns as a way of demonstrating how our routines often distract us from taking an honest look at our barriers. Now that each of you understand your own pattern of experience better, identifying your barriers is possible.
In my coaching and consulting experience, I have identified many different barriers that women experience as they negotiate the demands of modern life. Not only can these barriers make people ineffective communicators and problem-solvers, but over time they can prevent us from reaching our larger goals in life. Before we identify some of the most common barriers Domestic Diplomats experience, a few reminders first.
The more familiar we become with our own patterns, the better we will be able to recognize our barriers when they show up. And, as a general rule - when we see a barrier we don't need to rush to "fix it." Instead, we should make friends with it in order to more deeply understand where it comes from and what it creates for us. In that spirit, here are a few of the common barriers that Domestic Diplomats encounter:
1) Not Asking For Help - You can dish it out, but you can't take it. Giving your all to others and not asking for help when you need it most can hold you back. Worse yet, it sometimes makes the help you give seem to come with “guilty strings” attached.
2) Becoming Trapped In Your “To Do List” - Women are usually efficient and productive, however, constantly anticipating the needs of the next situation (packing the diaper back, change of clothes, work out gear, emergency phone numbers, extra lap top, etc.) can get you trapped in anticipation of “what comes next.” Always preparing, but never being present can create a big blind spot.
3) Wishing Or Hoping Things Would Be Different - Being stuck in your thoughts about how things "should be” can keep you from taking proactive steps to make change. Even if you don’t think of yourself as a victim of others, being a victim of “should” can paralyze you and leave you feeling bitter and angry.
4) Expecting More of Yourself Than Anyone Else – When the bar is set so high, the pressure can be unbearable. Sometimes it’s helpful to realize who is holding the bar so high. Bosses, partners, children and friends usually don’t place unrealistic demands on your life – so why do you?
5) Doing The Wrong Things Right And Leaving The Right Things Neglected - Getting the shopping done perfectly well while avoiding that difficult conversation with your husband, girlfriend, etc. can turn your priorities upside down. When we accomplish lesser priorities while avoiding more important needs, we get the illusion of success, at the expense of taking care of what matters most.
6) Change Exhaustion – The pace of life and its many changes can be unrelenting. Too many changes over a short period of time can lead to fatigue and resistance. Because it’s infeasible to stop the flow of change, we have to focus on becoming attached to the things that are lasting, while holding only loosely to the things that are fleeting.
7) Confirmation Bias – When you expect to feel unappreciated, don’t be surprised if you feel unappreciated. Looking for what reinforces our own existing beliefs and expectations gives us a kind of tunnel vision. As a result, we miss out on other possibilities and end up believing what we already assumed was true.
8) Never Truly Letting Go - You finally get to the gym for some “me time” and instead of relaxing into a good workout, you're mind is pacing back and forth between tomorrow’s "to do list" and the dishes in the sink at home. Instead of the rationalized virtue “someone needs to be responsible”, never really letting go becomes a burden that suffocates new ideas and possibilities from your life experience.
9) Expecting People to Read Our Minds (And Being Frustrated When They Don't)– Just because those from Venus are known as the superior communicators on the planet, doesn’t mean you don’t have work to do. You may be pleasantly surprised to find that more of your needs are met when you clearly express your expectations to others.
These are some of the more prominent barriers that I see with women who are juggling commitments at work, at home and in the community. Some of these may speak to you, while others may not. Your homework this week is to use this list as a starting place, and simply notice the barriers you encounter. Now that you are familiar with your pattern (from Part 1), when the barriers show up you will be much better positioned to learn from it.
Visit the Breaking Barriers blog next Monday for Part 3 of this series, which will help you focus on the attitude, behaviors and skills required to become a successful Domestic Diplomat.
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