Are you one of the millions of women juggling responsibilities at home, at work and in the community? If so, chances are that at the end of long work/school days and throughout hectic weekends, you are required to be a Domestic Diplomat – always keeping the peace, negotiating schedules, soothing hurt feelings and, with all your spare time, delicately advocating for your own needs.
Needless to say, tactfully juggling everyone’s needs and expectations (while too often putting your own needs on the back burner) can be an overwhelming challenge that sometimes gets the best of us.
This four-part series is designed to support women in their roles as working parents, committed homemakers and involved citizens. Each piece offers room for some healthy venting, as well as some very practical strategies and tips to meet the challenges of life in the 21st century. Part 1 is about identifying the barriers that get us off track and keep us out of balance. This introduction lays the foundation for being a successful Domestic Diplomat.
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Many people talk about having balance as though it is the elixir of life. However, is searching for balance the answer? I do believe that work/life and physical/emotional/spiritual balance are an important aspect of a healthy life, but achieving balance is not a silver bullet. Even more important than having balance is becoming aware of the things that can knock us out of our rhythm. Before we can strike a balance we have to discover the barriers that make us one-dimensional, keep us off balance and out of focus.
There are many different barriers that women experience under the demands of modern life (i.e., setting low expectations to avoid failure, doing the wrong things right and leaving the right things neglected, inability to adapt to change, etc.). Not only can these barriers make us ineffective communicators and problem-solvers, but they can prevent us from reaching our larger goals in life. Successful Domestic Diplomats must be willing to identify and address barriers.
Before we get into more specific examples in Part Two, it is important to understand that these barriers are experienced within patterns of experience. In most cases, these patterns prevent us from understanding and addressing our barriers. Here are a couple of common experience patterns that might seem familiar to you:
The “Good Intentions” Pattern – A) You have energy and excitement for accomplishing your goals; B) You put forth some effort, although you’re not very directed; C) You experience mixed results; D) Barriers pop up and overwhelm you; E) Frustration and negative self-talk set in; F) You lose focus and become distracted from your priorities; G) You spend time trying to rebuild your energy and excitement toward the goal…and the cycle starts again.
The “Repeat Success” Pattern – A) You have a track record of past success in one part of your life; B) You put all your energy into what you know you are good at; C) Other parts of your life begin to suffer; D)The imbalance becomes painful and you’re forced to look at the part of your life that you’ve neglected; E)As these unfamiliar Barriers come into sight, your efforts lack confidence and commitment; F) When you’re not perfect at “fixing things” right away, frustration sinks in; G) You return to what you know in order to feel the success from what you’re good at…and the cycle starts again.
Notice in both of these examples, the moment the barriers are seen and felt, the cycle moves the person away from confronting them directly. If you experience one or both of these patterns, it is important to recognize that the barriers that create frustration for us also give us the opportunity to grow. Rather than being something to ignore or retreat from, we should embrace our barriers and learn what they can teach us about what gets us stuck. Only by addressing these barriers can we potentially change the dynamic of the cycle.
What is most important at this point is simply to become aware of your own patterns and the specific barriers that you experience. Don’t rush to fix them, and definitely don’t react to them – just observe what they are and get to know more about when they show up and what they create for you. Visit the Breaking Barriers blog next Monday for Part 2 of this series. Part two will help you take the next step to address your barriers on your path to becoming a Domestic Diplomat.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
“Pain is Changeful”
Riddle: What is really good for us, feels really bad for us, is something that we avoid and yet is something that’s ultimately unavoidable? Change.
Despite our valiant efforts to fend it off with repetitive behavioral routines and comfortable patterns of thinking, change is all around us and is a natural part of life. While it’s true that change can sometimes be really painful, it is also true that pain is changeful. This is more than a distinction without a difference - so if you are confused, stick with me.
More than just a clever way to reframe a problem or negative experience, looking at pain as a source of positive change is an efficient and practical choice. Pain from change can come in many forms, including: frustration over unmet expectations, disappointment over lost opportunities and grief from broken relationships to name a few. Rather than seeing these painful experiences as a nuisance or something to “get past”, why not embrace them as a vehicle to accelerate the change we experience?
If these negative emotions are part of the reality we are facing, we can choose to seize that moment and face up to them squarely in order to take important lessons from them. The following tips may help you find the focus and sustain the motivation to stick with the pain and use it as a catalyst to change:
1) Keep Perspective – It is critically important to keep things in perspective so that we can process our experiences accordingly. A frustrating experience may feel like a “mountain”, but if we capture a wider vantage point when the initial sting subsides, we may actually recognize it as just a “small hill”. Keeping perspective will reduce wasted energy on potential over-reactions as our responses to painful experiences become more proportional.
2) Find The Teachable Moment – If pain is truly going to be changeful, we have to find the teachable moment. Maybe the lesson is about our own misguided efforts, perhaps we didn’t listen enough or perhaps we didn’t stand up for what we knew was right. Either way, the important thing is to capture the lesson and fully integrate into our experience for next time.
3) If I Feel Something, They Feel Something – If your pain stems from some kind of relationship concern, chances are just like you feel something, the other person involved also feels something. This recognition can be a humanizing force and it is an important reminder that if we get out of our own shoes, we’re likely to be less attached to our own emotional pain as we empathize and connect with others.
The next time you feel pain or discomfort, think changefully about ways to use the experience for your own growth and development. Imagine what’s possible when pain is changeful and regrets are unnecessary.
Despite our valiant efforts to fend it off with repetitive behavioral routines and comfortable patterns of thinking, change is all around us and is a natural part of life. While it’s true that change can sometimes be really painful, it is also true that pain is changeful. This is more than a distinction without a difference - so if you are confused, stick with me.
More than just a clever way to reframe a problem or negative experience, looking at pain as a source of positive change is an efficient and practical choice. Pain from change can come in many forms, including: frustration over unmet expectations, disappointment over lost opportunities and grief from broken relationships to name a few. Rather than seeing these painful experiences as a nuisance or something to “get past”, why not embrace them as a vehicle to accelerate the change we experience?
If these negative emotions are part of the reality we are facing, we can choose to seize that moment and face up to them squarely in order to take important lessons from them. The following tips may help you find the focus and sustain the motivation to stick with the pain and use it as a catalyst to change:
1) Keep Perspective – It is critically important to keep things in perspective so that we can process our experiences accordingly. A frustrating experience may feel like a “mountain”, but if we capture a wider vantage point when the initial sting subsides, we may actually recognize it as just a “small hill”. Keeping perspective will reduce wasted energy on potential over-reactions as our responses to painful experiences become more proportional.
2) Find The Teachable Moment – If pain is truly going to be changeful, we have to find the teachable moment. Maybe the lesson is about our own misguided efforts, perhaps we didn’t listen enough or perhaps we didn’t stand up for what we knew was right. Either way, the important thing is to capture the lesson and fully integrate into our experience for next time.
3) If I Feel Something, They Feel Something – If your pain stems from some kind of relationship concern, chances are just like you feel something, the other person involved also feels something. This recognition can be a humanizing force and it is an important reminder that if we get out of our own shoes, we’re likely to be less attached to our own emotional pain as we empathize and connect with others.
The next time you feel pain or discomfort, think changefully about ways to use the experience for your own growth and development. Imagine what’s possible when pain is changeful and regrets are unnecessary.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
“The Weight of the World”
Have you ever tried to start something new – something so new that you had to create it out of thin air? Maybe you decided to commit to a new attitude or behavior. Maybe you rededicated yourself to better performance at your current job. Or, maybe you were the driving force behind a new business or other venture. If you have done any of these things, chances are you have seen first hand what a roller coaster setting and achieving goals can be.
During the dreaming stage, ideas and goals flow and things can feel loose and light. However, moving from out-of-the-box, blue sky thinking to on-the-ground action can make things feel heavy – like the weight of the world is squashing the life out of the motivation you have to succeed. Swinging between both of these poles is to be expected as they represent the tension needed to bring our goals to fruition. Unfortunately, many of us shy away from finishing things because we don’t persevere through the intensity of the extremes before settling into a comfortable middle-ground that leads us to inspired, but focused action.
A coaching client who runs a multimedia company wants to establish himself as a preeminent documentarian whose work literally changes the world. This is a lofty goal for sure, but one that inspires him deeply just by saying it out loud. Just as the thought of redefining his career makes him fly, the patience for and commitment to the baby steps required along the way could challenge him and pull him off track. The way he responds to this tension between the opposing forces will make all the difference in the world. But how can we consistently respond to these shifts in ways that will contribute to our success?
One of the best ways to manage the challenges of goal attainment is to simply remind yourself of where you are going. Yogi Berra once said “If you don’t know where you are going, you’ll wind up somewhere else.” Whether it is a written affirmation or some other picture of success, these reminders can serve as compass points when you are turned around. Next, we can set the right type of goal for a given situation. Some goals are defined in concrete, specific ways (i.e. I need to read chapter 10 of my biology text book) while others are more abstract or broad (i.e. I want to have a successful career). Most people tend to express things in more abstract terms; as a result they tend to get bogged down and lose their way in the face of adversity. If your goal is defined in a broad manner, determine more concrete goals that could serve as a means for achieving the loftier goal. This can jump start progress and keep things moving in a forward direction.
Finally, we should remember that it takes a tremendous amount of psychological energy to make something real. In the beginning, nobody else will believe something is so until we have relentlessly shown that it is. Waking up everyday and re-establishing yourself can put some wear and tear on your motivation. It is helpful to plan for this by periodically revisiting the passion that inspired the goal in the first place. In the same way that helium lifts a balloon, we have to find ways to use our motivation as a tool to do the heavy lifting of the day-to-day action planning.
Imagine what’s possible if we used the strength of our motivation to lift the weight of the world and achieve our goals.
During the dreaming stage, ideas and goals flow and things can feel loose and light. However, moving from out-of-the-box, blue sky thinking to on-the-ground action can make things feel heavy – like the weight of the world is squashing the life out of the motivation you have to succeed. Swinging between both of these poles is to be expected as they represent the tension needed to bring our goals to fruition. Unfortunately, many of us shy away from finishing things because we don’t persevere through the intensity of the extremes before settling into a comfortable middle-ground that leads us to inspired, but focused action.
A coaching client who runs a multimedia company wants to establish himself as a preeminent documentarian whose work literally changes the world. This is a lofty goal for sure, but one that inspires him deeply just by saying it out loud. Just as the thought of redefining his career makes him fly, the patience for and commitment to the baby steps required along the way could challenge him and pull him off track. The way he responds to this tension between the opposing forces will make all the difference in the world. But how can we consistently respond to these shifts in ways that will contribute to our success?
One of the best ways to manage the challenges of goal attainment is to simply remind yourself of where you are going. Yogi Berra once said “If you don’t know where you are going, you’ll wind up somewhere else.” Whether it is a written affirmation or some other picture of success, these reminders can serve as compass points when you are turned around. Next, we can set the right type of goal for a given situation. Some goals are defined in concrete, specific ways (i.e. I need to read chapter 10 of my biology text book) while others are more abstract or broad (i.e. I want to have a successful career). Most people tend to express things in more abstract terms; as a result they tend to get bogged down and lose their way in the face of adversity. If your goal is defined in a broad manner, determine more concrete goals that could serve as a means for achieving the loftier goal. This can jump start progress and keep things moving in a forward direction.
Finally, we should remember that it takes a tremendous amount of psychological energy to make something real. In the beginning, nobody else will believe something is so until we have relentlessly shown that it is. Waking up everyday and re-establishing yourself can put some wear and tear on your motivation. It is helpful to plan for this by periodically revisiting the passion that inspired the goal in the first place. In the same way that helium lifts a balloon, we have to find ways to use our motivation as a tool to do the heavy lifting of the day-to-day action planning.
Imagine what’s possible if we used the strength of our motivation to lift the weight of the world and achieve our goals.
Monday, October 6, 2008
“Are You Energized, Focused & Engaged In Your Work?”
In a recent coaching session with a 40 something professional, I was asked “What’s wrong with me? I loved this job when I started two years ago, but now my mind wanders and I don’t feel engaged at all.” He went on to say “I know I should be happy every day because this is a great job and I’m lucky to work in a growing field”.
This is a very common dilemma that many people face in today’s workplace. Let me ask you the question: are you energized, focused and engaged in your work? I believe that there are some things in life that just sound really good. Waking up each day excited about work and arriving on the job with a high level of energy, focus and commitment is one of those things. In reality, it seems that this total package of ongoing happiness and challenge is something that eludes many of us, yet we feel like we should experience those positive feelings on a daily basis. This “should” is strong, and many of us even beat ourselves up a bit when we feel our energy wane, our focus drift and our engagement relax in the work that we are doing.
In my experience, most people struggle to “love what they do”. This is not because they aren’t trying hard enough or aren’t committed enough; it is because things ebb and flow naturally and the cycle of things, especially in a work environment, naturally has its highs and lows. If one can maintain a basic underlying commitment to the work they are doing over time, the chance to revive and increase energy, focus and engagement at work is always within reach.
Here are a few suggestions that may help you get through a period of time where your energy and focus lag:
1) Write down a few examples of day-to-day activities that you feel bring energy and focus to your work. Using whatever level of autonomy you have in planning your daily activities, do as many of these as possible.
2) Do something each day that utilizes one of your strengths and delivers a jolt of enthusiasm. For example, if you are a good problem solver, spend a few minutes thinking about an intriguing problem you face at work and plan to share your ideas with a colleague.
3) Remember that you are not alone. Find a way to constructively talk about your attitude toward work with a colleague. Rather than complaining with somebody else, find someone who can support you as you rebuild your sense of positive focus and engagement.
4) And finally, know that the workplace evolves in a cycle. The most important thing is to maintain an on-going commitment to your work, which will keep you engaged enough during the challenging times.
In some cases, however, there can be issues beyond just the natural cycle of highs and lows at work. Occasionally people compromise their values and perhaps even a long-term goal or dream that they have for themselves by staying in a job. In these cases, it is less realistic to think that exercising patience during hard times will ultimately result in the return of a higher level of energy and focus in the future.
A good way to find out if your own values are in conflict with the work you do is to do a quick “values sort”. Write down 10 – 15 values that you hold dear (i.e. being challenged, attaining financial reward, respect, teamwork, etc.). Next, circle the four or five that are the most important to you. After this, make an honest assessment of how these values are or are not being met in your current work. If you must honestly say that more times than not you are compromising your core values at work, the chances of becoming more fully energized, focused and engaged in your work are slim. Once we compromise our values over a period of time (knowingly or unknowingly), we lose the integrity that is needed for maintaining a true commitment.
Imagine what’s possible when we find something, even something small, each day that brings energy, focus and engagement to our work.
This is a very common dilemma that many people face in today’s workplace. Let me ask you the question: are you energized, focused and engaged in your work? I believe that there are some things in life that just sound really good. Waking up each day excited about work and arriving on the job with a high level of energy, focus and commitment is one of those things. In reality, it seems that this total package of ongoing happiness and challenge is something that eludes many of us, yet we feel like we should experience those positive feelings on a daily basis. This “should” is strong, and many of us even beat ourselves up a bit when we feel our energy wane, our focus drift and our engagement relax in the work that we are doing.
In my experience, most people struggle to “love what they do”. This is not because they aren’t trying hard enough or aren’t committed enough; it is because things ebb and flow naturally and the cycle of things, especially in a work environment, naturally has its highs and lows. If one can maintain a basic underlying commitment to the work they are doing over time, the chance to revive and increase energy, focus and engagement at work is always within reach.
Here are a few suggestions that may help you get through a period of time where your energy and focus lag:
1) Write down a few examples of day-to-day activities that you feel bring energy and focus to your work. Using whatever level of autonomy you have in planning your daily activities, do as many of these as possible.
2) Do something each day that utilizes one of your strengths and delivers a jolt of enthusiasm. For example, if you are a good problem solver, spend a few minutes thinking about an intriguing problem you face at work and plan to share your ideas with a colleague.
3) Remember that you are not alone. Find a way to constructively talk about your attitude toward work with a colleague. Rather than complaining with somebody else, find someone who can support you as you rebuild your sense of positive focus and engagement.
4) And finally, know that the workplace evolves in a cycle. The most important thing is to maintain an on-going commitment to your work, which will keep you engaged enough during the challenging times.
In some cases, however, there can be issues beyond just the natural cycle of highs and lows at work. Occasionally people compromise their values and perhaps even a long-term goal or dream that they have for themselves by staying in a job. In these cases, it is less realistic to think that exercising patience during hard times will ultimately result in the return of a higher level of energy and focus in the future.
A good way to find out if your own values are in conflict with the work you do is to do a quick “values sort”. Write down 10 – 15 values that you hold dear (i.e. being challenged, attaining financial reward, respect, teamwork, etc.). Next, circle the four or five that are the most important to you. After this, make an honest assessment of how these values are or are not being met in your current work. If you must honestly say that more times than not you are compromising your core values at work, the chances of becoming more fully energized, focused and engaged in your work are slim. Once we compromise our values over a period of time (knowingly or unknowingly), we lose the integrity that is needed for maintaining a true commitment.
Imagine what’s possible when we find something, even something small, each day that brings energy, focus and engagement to our work.
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