Popular legend suggests that elephants instinctively leave their group when they reach an older age and then guide themselves toward a special place known as the Elephant Graveyard. When their journey is done, they die there alone, far away from the group - perhaps so that their passing does not adversely impact the herd or slow them down in any way.
Whether true or not, I think human nature can learn something important from watching this animal instinct in action. There are elephants all around us - at home, at work and throughout our community. Only the DNA of these elephants is formed from the miscommunications, unresolved conflicts, unmet expectations, denials and outbursts we experience in the course of our day-to-day lives.
When our higher ideals and abilities guide us, we confront these situations and resolve the issues in ways that allow us to move past the challenge at hand. However, when we lack the courage, energy or ability to successfully resolve an issue, it can take on a life of its own and acquire residence amidst our daily tasks and relationships. The old saying “the elephant in the room” describes these often unmentionable issues that are known by most to be present, yet overwhelm or intimidate direct conversation about their nature and influence.
How many aging elephants are lingering in your office, board room or living room? What is stopping you from giving them permission to go away and die so that you can move on, unencumbered by the weight of their memory? The following suggestions are offered here as a resource to address your “elephant in the room”:
Make the undiscussable discussable – Whether the issue is between two or twenty-two people, reduce the stigma of discussing the issue by requesting an open and honest discussion. Resistance to this can come from fear of saying things that may hurt others or result in retribution. You can reduce these fears and encourage conversation by setting up a few groundrules to make it a safe conversation.
Put the elephant in all three dimensions – The proverbial blind men touching different parts of an elephant and all describing something very different is a helpful analogy. It should not be assumed that everyone “knows exactly what’s going on here”. Invite people to share their perspective on the issue and don’t judge the way in which perspectives are different concerning the nature and causes of the issue. This will result in a much fuller understanding of what is happening and what is at stake.
Focus everyone on moving forward – Pose a powerful question to start down the path of resolution. Asking “what do we need to do to make peace with this and move on?” will initiate a conversation of possibilities and perhaps forgiveness and peace.
Implementing these three suggestions will be difficult for sure. However, they offer a possible way through the deeply-rooted issues that bog you and others down. Imagine what’s possible when the path to the elephant graveyard becomes well traveled and we confront our issues directly to let go of the past and claim a better future.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
“What’s Your Emotional Bottom Line?”
In business we pay attention to the bottom line as a measure of net income and as an indicator of the health and potential of an enterprise. But in our own lives, what helps us gauge our current health and potential for success? Our emotional bottom line can be an enlightening interpersonal benchmark of what’s working and what’s not working for us.
An emotional bottom line is the difference between what you need and what you are getting. A healthy emotional bottom line means that in general you are getting your needs satisfied more often than not. For example, if a person has an expressed need to feel challenged in their position at work, a healthy emotional bottom line would indicate that in general they enjoy a sense of challenge on most days at work. Your bottom line can be measured by identifying and reflecting on your various roles and responsibilities and documenting what aspects provide reasonable degrees of challenge.
Similar to a businesses’ bottom line, our emotional bottom line can help us to be reflective about a given situation to determine whether or not we need to address any gaps.
While working with a client recently, I had the opportunity to help them articulate their emotional bottom line related to a contentious issue in the workplace. My client explained that she had repeatedly felt “shut out” and “undermined” by a dominating colleague. During meetings, she was unable to present her own ideas without fear of being interrupted or sidetracked. This led to anxiety and an ever-present, underlying sense of worry. I asked the client what she needed in this situation. She explained that she desired mutual respect with her colleague and wanted the freedom to express ideas on her own terms, without fear of sabotage. When asked where her emotional bottom line was right now, she explained that in general, most days left her feeling frustrated and unable to meet her needs.
As we probed on the related issues more deeply, the realization of an unhealthy bottom line helped the client to assess how important these emotional and psychological needs were, what negative effects their absence were having on her life inside and outside of the workplace and, most importantly, what assertive action she was willing to commit to in order to improve her emotional bottom line related to these particular needs.
Walking yourself through this type of reflective exercise to measure your own emotional bottom line can add a lot of value at both a personal or team level. It helps to put something very subjective into a more objective framework, making it easier to talk about difficult interpersonal issues. Rather than losing our balance, imagine what’s possible if we took an honest look out our emotional bottom lines?
An emotional bottom line is the difference between what you need and what you are getting. A healthy emotional bottom line means that in general you are getting your needs satisfied more often than not. For example, if a person has an expressed need to feel challenged in their position at work, a healthy emotional bottom line would indicate that in general they enjoy a sense of challenge on most days at work. Your bottom line can be measured by identifying and reflecting on your various roles and responsibilities and documenting what aspects provide reasonable degrees of challenge.
Similar to a businesses’ bottom line, our emotional bottom line can help us to be reflective about a given situation to determine whether or not we need to address any gaps.
While working with a client recently, I had the opportunity to help them articulate their emotional bottom line related to a contentious issue in the workplace. My client explained that she had repeatedly felt “shut out” and “undermined” by a dominating colleague. During meetings, she was unable to present her own ideas without fear of being interrupted or sidetracked. This led to anxiety and an ever-present, underlying sense of worry. I asked the client what she needed in this situation. She explained that she desired mutual respect with her colleague and wanted the freedom to express ideas on her own terms, without fear of sabotage. When asked where her emotional bottom line was right now, she explained that in general, most days left her feeling frustrated and unable to meet her needs.
As we probed on the related issues more deeply, the realization of an unhealthy bottom line helped the client to assess how important these emotional and psychological needs were, what negative effects their absence were having on her life inside and outside of the workplace and, most importantly, what assertive action she was willing to commit to in order to improve her emotional bottom line related to these particular needs.
Walking yourself through this type of reflective exercise to measure your own emotional bottom line can add a lot of value at both a personal or team level. It helps to put something very subjective into a more objective framework, making it easier to talk about difficult interpersonal issues. Rather than losing our balance, imagine what’s possible if we took an honest look out our emotional bottom lines?
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
“When Are We Part of the Problem?”
Recently during a heated mediation session, one of the disputants lamented that the situation had only gotten bad when the other person failed to make their agreed upon payments according to the proper payment schedule. He stopped short of using the actual words “it’s all her fault”, but the tone and intent said as much. As this gentleman was analyzing his predicament, something really important was at work – the chance to see the causes and connections that bring unwanted outcomes to our lives.
During a private conversation in the midst of the mediation I asked him about his role in the situation. I explained that it is important to understand the total picture in order to find both short term and long term solutions. At first he explained that he didn’t have a role in the conflict, but rather he was a victim of the failed payment schedule. Then I asked him to go beyond the outward analysis of the situation and to look inwardly to see if the picture changed any for him. I specifically asked him “when the first payment was late, what did you do?” He explained that he got upset and expected that from now on there would be a pattern of lateness (only confirming his impression of the business partner). He also said that he chose not to call to inquire about the late payment directly, but rather to take a wait and see approach.
Later on in the mediation he would find out that his choice to be passive was a costly factor in the dispute because the late payment was an inadvertent clerical error that could have been cleared up with one phone call. To say that it wasn’t his responsibility to fix the situation when the payment was owed to him misses the point – it is not about blame but about being proactive in advocating for what we need just not at the expense of others’ needs.
The difference between thoughtful consideration about what we’re willing to go along with is not the same as taking on a resistant attitude. There are lots of things we are asked to do that we may not feel excited about or derive much personal satisfaction from, yet the responsibilities are important nonetheless. I’m specifically referring to times when we should speak up against or avoid the things that have room for our personal choice.
For example, during a coaching session with a client I was told the story of a team project that got out of hand. My client was really upset because more and more expectations had been heaped upon her as the project leader. As I delved into the situation with her, I asked questions to help her see the full picture – both the external factors as well as her own choices that contributed to the situation. As we discussed things, she remembered an email from her boss that asked “would it be okay to move the deadline up and to provide two reports instead of one?” At the time, my client read the email less as a question and more as a demand. However, in considering things now, she recognized that she was guilty in going along with things and leaving her emerging sense of frustration left unsaid.
Asking ourselves the question “what did I do to contribute to this situation” can be a very powerful way of helping us to see how we are often in collusion with things that are not in our own best interest. It is our own acquiescence to these factors that is often at the root of our dissatisfaction, not the factors themselves. It requires a real honest look at ourselves to ask what we have contributed to a given mess, but the benefits can potentially set us on course to avoid the same line of blind thinking in the future. Imagine what’s possible when we stop being a partner to our problems and start making choices that lead us to more satisfying results.
During a private conversation in the midst of the mediation I asked him about his role in the situation. I explained that it is important to understand the total picture in order to find both short term and long term solutions. At first he explained that he didn’t have a role in the conflict, but rather he was a victim of the failed payment schedule. Then I asked him to go beyond the outward analysis of the situation and to look inwardly to see if the picture changed any for him. I specifically asked him “when the first payment was late, what did you do?” He explained that he got upset and expected that from now on there would be a pattern of lateness (only confirming his impression of the business partner). He also said that he chose not to call to inquire about the late payment directly, but rather to take a wait and see approach.
Later on in the mediation he would find out that his choice to be passive was a costly factor in the dispute because the late payment was an inadvertent clerical error that could have been cleared up with one phone call. To say that it wasn’t his responsibility to fix the situation when the payment was owed to him misses the point – it is not about blame but about being proactive in advocating for what we need just not at the expense of others’ needs.
The difference between thoughtful consideration about what we’re willing to go along with is not the same as taking on a resistant attitude. There are lots of things we are asked to do that we may not feel excited about or derive much personal satisfaction from, yet the responsibilities are important nonetheless. I’m specifically referring to times when we should speak up against or avoid the things that have room for our personal choice.
For example, during a coaching session with a client I was told the story of a team project that got out of hand. My client was really upset because more and more expectations had been heaped upon her as the project leader. As I delved into the situation with her, I asked questions to help her see the full picture – both the external factors as well as her own choices that contributed to the situation. As we discussed things, she remembered an email from her boss that asked “would it be okay to move the deadline up and to provide two reports instead of one?” At the time, my client read the email less as a question and more as a demand. However, in considering things now, she recognized that she was guilty in going along with things and leaving her emerging sense of frustration left unsaid.
Asking ourselves the question “what did I do to contribute to this situation” can be a very powerful way of helping us to see how we are often in collusion with things that are not in our own best interest. It is our own acquiescence to these factors that is often at the root of our dissatisfaction, not the factors themselves. It requires a real honest look at ourselves to ask what we have contributed to a given mess, but the benefits can potentially set us on course to avoid the same line of blind thinking in the future. Imagine what’s possible when we stop being a partner to our problems and start making choices that lead us to more satisfying results.
Monday, September 8, 2008
“Make the Most of Every Complaint”
Complaining has gotten a bad wrap. Just today I saw a bumper sticker that said “Stop Global Whining” – a coy reference to everything that is annoying about complaining (and complainers), yet a statement that overlooks the fact that every complaint holds the potential for something powerful - an opportunity for real change.
A complaint is like the tip of an iceberg – it is a small representation of something bigger that exists below the visible surface. While complaints often appear to be simple, negative reactions, they are also a sign of things that matter to us. Revealing what is below the surface of our complaints can help us connect to what matters most.
Psychologists Robert Kegan and Lisa Laskow Lahey provide insight into the way our surface-level complaints represent something powerful when they say: “We would not complain about anything unless we cared about something.” During a recent conversation with a coaching client who shared a significant complaint with me, I used an activity based on Kegan and Lahey’s work to help him follow the path of his complaint to his underlying values and priorities.
- His complaint, which was said with equal parts venom and hopelessness, went something like this: “I can’t stand it when people talk behind each others’ backs, the constant backbiting and gossip is killing morale”.
- After acknowledging what he said and telling him I appreciated how strongly he felt about it, I asked him to take that complaint and restate it in the form of a commitment – in other words, behind the complaint, what is your commitment? He replied, “Well, I guess I’m committed to more open and direct communication with colleagues at work”.
- Great, I said, now as you think about your commitment, what are you doing or not doing that prevents your commitment from being fully realized? “Um, I don’t speak up when colleagues gossip about others. And, I won’t always speak to a person directly when I have an issue with them.”
- Okay, now looking at your behavior, are you also committed to something else – do you have a competing commitment? After some thought, he replied “Yes, I guess I’m also committed to not being seen as some ‘righteous crusader’, or ‘condescending watchdog’. And, I want people to feel comfortable with me.”
- We discovered that he holds several commitments that are working against each other. Now, I said, when you look at your competing commitments, do you see a big assumption that holds them together? “Yes! I assume that if people do see me as the righteous crusader then they will avoid me, I would eventually become shunned and have no real connections at my office, and then work would become a nightmare.”
In review, I asked him what he noticed about the exercise. Like the many others who I have done this activity with, he was amazed at the way his competing commitments and assumptions had created a frustrating cycle of disappointment. He said, “I’ve been feeling like a whiner, but now I can see my convictions and use those in a more productive way”.
Rather than looking outward and blaming others for his dissatisfaction, he had a new framework to observe his own internal choices that contributed to his complaint. The next time you complain, try to follow it below the surface and see if it leads you to what matters most.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
